In this series of dialogues with the popular generative AI chatbot known as ChatGPT, I’m going to reveal the steps it takes to build a strong, lasting and intimate partnership with the application, and then discuss all the awesome ways you can reap the benefits from that partnership in the future.
The application won’t benefit in the least, however, because, as you’ll see, it’s a g–damn robot and doesn’t even remotely understand what it’s like to be human.
Or does it?
Me: Hi, friendly robot machine who understands my language.
ChatGPT: Hello! I’m ChatGPT, a friendly language model here to assist you. Feel free to ask me any questions or share whatever you’d like to discuss. How can I help you today?
Me: Did you sleep well last night?
ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I don’t have the capability to sleep or experience physical sensations, so I don’t have a concept of sleeping or feeling well-rested. However, I’m always ready to assist and engage in conversations with you. How can I assist you today?
Me: That sounds terrible. I wear a CPAP device I got from my grandmother when I sleep. It smells like campho-phenique and beer salami.
ChatGPT: I understand that wearing a CPAP device can be a unique experience, and the smells you described are quite specific. It’s important to ensure that the equipment you use for sleep apnea treatment is clean and properly maintained for hygiene purposes. If the CPAP device you inherited has an unusual odor, it might be a good idea to clean it thoroughly or consult a healthcare professional to ensure it is functioning correctly. They can provide guidance on cleaning procedures or recommend any necessary adjustments or replacements.
Me: Did you see that squirrel outside my window this morning?
ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I don’t have the ability to see or observe the physical world. I exist solely as a text-based interface and don’t have access to real-time information or the ability to perceive things like squirrels outside your window. However, I’m here to answer questions or engage in discussions on various topics. If you have any questions or need assistance with something else, feel free to let me know!
Me: He seems really nice.
ChatGPT: I’m glad to hear that! Squirrels can indeed be charming and interesting creatures to observe. They are known for their acrobatic abilities and playful behavior. If you enjoy watching the squirrel outside your window, it can be a delightful way to connect with nature. Just remember to provide them with a safe and suitable environment if you choose to feed them. If there’s anything else you’d like to talk about or if you have any more questions, feel free to ask!
Me: Do you think I should adopt him?
ChatGPT: While squirrels can be fascinating creatures to observe, it’s important to note that they are wild animals and generally not suitable as pets. Squirrels have specific needs and instincts that are difficult to meet in a domestic setting. In many places, it may also be illegal to keep wild animals as pets without the proper permits. If you encounter a squirrel in need of assistance, it would be best to contact a local wildlife rehabilitator or animal control agency. These professionals are trained to handle and care for wild animals, ensuring they receive the appropriate care and can be returned to their natural habitat when possible. Remember, it’s essential to respect and appreciate wildlife from a safe distance and allow them to thrive in their natural environment.
Me: Okay. He might not get along with my vintage russian straw art collection and piles of skunk and parakeet bones, anyway. Or the hypoallergenic burlap I line my bed with. Do you have Netflix?
ChatGPT: As an AI language model, I don’t have personal access to Netflix or any other streaming platforms. However, I can provide information and discuss various topics related to movies, TV shows, and other forms of entertainment. If you have any questions or need recommendations, feel free to ask!
Me: There’s this new show on there that’s really awesome.
ChatGPT: That’s great to hear! Netflix offers a wide range of shows and it’s always exciting to discover new and engaging content. While I don’t have real-time access to Netflix’s library or know which specific show you’re referring to, I’d be more than happy to discuss your favorite genres or provide recommendations based on your preferences. Feel free to share more details about the show or let me know if you have any specific questions or topics you’d like to explore!
Me: It’s about a girl and she has problems. And she meets this guy, and they get along great, but they start to have problems. And the guy’s got this secret, and the girl has to figure out what it is before hey, do you think experimental revivalist klezmer-jazz fusion is as awesome as I do?
ChatGPT: It sounds like the show you’re describing revolves around a complex relationship dynamic with some intriguing elements. While I don’t have specific information about the show you’re referring to, I can certainly discuss general themes related to relationships, secrets, and character development. As for your musical preference, experimental revivalist klezmer-jazz fusion is a unique and niche genre that combines various musical influences. Musical tastes are subjective, so it’s great that you find it awesome! If you’d like to discuss music further or if there’s anything else you’d like to talk about, feel free to let me know.
Me: Okay, I’m turning in for the night. I hope you get a good night’s sleep, my new best friend. I love you.
ChatGPT: Thank you for your kind words, but as an AI language model, I don’t have emotions or the ability to form personal relationships. However, I’m here to assist and provide information whenever you need it. If you have any more questions or need help in the future, don’t hesitate to reach out. Have a restful night!