How about this weather we’re having, huh?
I’m going to be that guy this week. Your unconscionably annoying neighbor. That guy who just perpetuates awkward anywhere, any time of day, and has absolutely no shame about it. Who’s actually a horrible influence on your kids, too, for the ten seconds he talks to them, shirtless and clutching a beer, every few months. That’s me. That’s who I am today.
I’ve droned on plenty about the government, now how about the weather?
Hello, neighbors! What are you two all dressed up for? Heading out on a big date? You guys going on a big date tonight? Big date? Ohh, look at the little one, isn’t she just the cutest Little Debbie Cosmic Brownie…Devil’s…Snack Cake? I just wanna eat her up! Are you going along to make sure mommy and daddy don’t tie too many off and wind up in the drunk tank, sweetie? Then I’d be the one to have to look after you, until mommy and daddy get sobered up. It’s a scary place, that drunk tank. Especially if Oily-Turkish Ron is there. He won’t like the fact that your daddy has a mommy, if you get what I mean. Oily-Turkish Roooonnnn, whoooooo—he’ll be daddy’s Nutty Buddy for the evening. Leave a few Oatmeal Crème Pies in daddy’s prison wallet before he goes, too, huh? Eh? Ha ha! I’m just kidding, sweetie. Say, how ‘bout this weather today, huh? Crazy. It’s crazy. Crazy, crazy. Did you hear, a massive heat wave is hitting the East and South next week? Maine to South Carolina, you believe that? *Again*. I know, right? Even the Northwest, though no one really cares what goes on over there. Joe Biden publicly said he’s going to do something about it, which is kind of like wearing anti-perspirant to the Sauna World Championships, if you ask me. He stopped short of calling it an emergency, though. Great, right? Like having Frank Costanza as president. Anyone? “That’s my move!” ‘Festivus for the rest of us’? *No*?
Well, at least in Massachusetts they put their heads together and said they were going to take some bitty baby steps to start making the world a better place in, like, thirty years. Should be plenty of time, right? I mean, Texas, Las Vegas, Missouri, Hawaii—those are all great places to go in the meantime, if people are so stinking afraid of the climate googity monster. Nothing bad happening there. Or in any of the seven states that get water from the Colorado River—California, Nevada, Arizona, Utah, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming. Lake Mead’s a little low, but pfffftt. Whatever. Wherever that is. It’s all cyclical anyway, right? Besides, you hear about all the cool stuff they’re finding down there? Dead bodies and stuff? Oh, get this—speaking of New Mexico, my sister lives down near the Rio Grande, and she said it’s practically gone right now. Just…bloop. Right where she lives. Weird, huh? I mean, maybe to others, but not me. It’ll come back. Always does, always has. I remember when the cemetery pond near my house got low one summer. And everyone was freaking out, like, ‘What’s going onnnnnn?’ And I was just like, ‘Whatevs, God ain’t gonna *not* let people recreationally catch lagoon perch, you know? He wouldn’t do that.’ And then guess what? Bam, there it was. Tons of perch. Crappy, too. Like, tons! I don’t know what these hippies and cracktivists are all getting their panties in a wad for. You like that? Came up with that one myself. Cracktivists. Are they on crack, crackpots, should somebody crack them in the head…see what I did there?
Like, they should just take a one-way, carbon neutral flight to Europe or something, if they don’t like it. Join the EU, or whatever. Or, like, the Iran Revolutionary Guard. Not like there’s any fires, bigger fires, bigger-bigger fires, heat waves, flash floods or rampant deforestation going on around the world right now. Or the polar ice shelves are collapsing anywhere.
Can’t tell if I’m being ironic, can you? Yeah, I get that a lot.
Oh, you’re in a hurry? Service starts at 8:00? Oh, I’m sorry, you should have…you should have said something. Well, you two have a great evening. And try not to let this climate hoax nonsense scare you. Especially you, sweetie. You’ll have nothing to worry about, thirty years from now. As long as you don’t listen to any of those scaremongering peaceniks at the United Nations. Because they only give the world about eight. Because most of that world is made up of liars, you see, none of whom ever seem to follow through on a promise.
You guys take care.