Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene
Man Makes Millions Selling Gluten-Free Ice Cream, Decides to Become Spiritual Guru
Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions
Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think
Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls
Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast
Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar from the ’80s, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band
Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog
“This is my dog,” said alleged dog thief Damian Henderson, 48, of Eugene.
Student Looks Out Apartment Window, Notices Homeless Camping behind His Fence Have Better Furniture than He Does
“It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” resident Matthew Gofeld said.
Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene After 24 Years
“All my old friends still live in the building, which is cool. Except they don’t seem to remember me all that well,” said former Eugene resident Azrael Skreed.
Gutterpunk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
“Hey, maybe I like pink! Huh? Maybe I like pink! Maybe I like halter tops!” gutterpunk Dareena Kahl exclaimed.
Man Visits Eugene for a Day, Has Conversations with Eleven Strangers, Leaves Feeling Pretty Good about Himself
“Everyone I spoke with did ask me for something, though. That doesn’t happen to everyone, right?” said Herman Cort of Minnesota.
Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice
“I started getting into these real intense conversations with people online, and began to realize: This is my calling. You know?” Constance ‘Cornflower’ Maxwell said.
Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street
“I don’t know if they realized what was actually going on,” said Darren Riddlehome, who witnessed the race.
College Dropout Yoga Instructor Also Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes
“I actually went to college for a year, so I feel I know what I’m talking about,” said Phoenix, owner of Rising Sun Yoga in Eugene.
Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too
“There’s already like fifteen landscaping businesses fronting for deals around here,” coke dealer ‘Eddie’ said. “It’s a saturated market.”
Rape Alley to be Designated City’s First Official ‘Possible Unsafe Zone’
“I grew up in so central LA and no place scare me like #rapealley,” one Twitter user wrote. “Two tours in Afghanistan and if it’d to been #rapealley I was deployed, I would’ve gone awol,” wrote another.
41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
“I have girls telling me all the time how much they love my van,” said David Feldspar, 41. “It’s Eugene, bro! This is why I love living here!”
Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl
“Where I grew up, whenever you had a group of teenage dudes around some girl, they’d start jumping around like chimps, acting like f—ing jackals,” Taco Bell employee Antonio Lopez said. “In Eugene, it’s different.”
Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring Up at Co-Op
“I just feel like they have it coming,” cashier Mahalo Shatailo said. “I mean, they get everything else, like, handed to them in this world. Why their $8 worth of groceries?”
Man in Red Cape Always Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s A Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar
“I ain’t saying I’m a criminal, but I can’t help nobody solve their crimes,” said resident Otande Freeman. “I may be the perpetrator of that crime, you know what I’m saying?”
Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant
“I’m just curious about the changes in my body during the process, you know? Like, wow—what an amazing experience that would be!” said Eugene resident Angel McCarron.
Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her At All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
“I’m just looking for someone who’ll listen, who’ll process this whole experience with me on my journey,” said current resident Sesquihana Darby. “Someone totally free and unburdened, but also completely grounded and 100% mature at the same time.”
Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
“It was terrifying. I imagine it was like a Nazi death camp for my tofu,” said Trudy Pierce of Eugene. “I don’t even want to think about it.”
Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still At All Time High
“They get these tripwire clockers, pot thieves and skull-busters in here from like LA and New York, and they aren’t using their bully rage to beat up people who actually commit crimes,” said an employee at the Lane County District Attorney’s office.
What happened next is disputed.
Former UO Grad Strikes it Rich, Existence Suddenly Acknowledged by Alumni Association, Others
“You’d be amazed how many branches I suddenly have in my family tree now,” said Groindage founder Jakob Balarud. “I mean, like, literally, how many just materialized out of thin air. I know none of these people were related to me before.”