Eugene Briefly Man Picks Up That ‘Stupid, Ugly’ Box Guitar from the ’80s, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band Man in Red Cape Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s a Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring Up at Local Co-Op College Dropout Yoga Instructor Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog Drunk Japanese Student Can’t Decide Which Lighter to Buy at 7-11 Frat Bro, Backpacker Street Kid Have Argument Over Who’s More Entitled outside Bus Station Couple Agrees to Open Relationship, Man Can’t Compete with Vagina Privilege Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street ‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Even Realize It