Eugene Briefly

Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene

“I’ve seen, like, five other people with face tattoos already,” said recent resident Cari Weigera, 23. “One of them even works at the library. It’s crazy.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A young woman with no interest in taking part in the pornographic film industry decided she had no other options but to move to Eugene, Oregon, Brimborion News discovered recently in an interview with the Southern California native.

Man Makes Millions Selling Gluten-Free Ice Cream, Decides to Become Spiritual Guru

“I’ve decided to put my corporeal inhibitions aside and spread the message that, while many of us fear our fear, and fear the unknown, which makes us more afraid of our fear, and then fear that fearing of the fear, we are all psychically intertwined, including the fear, and that the natural evolution of humankind towards empathy, kindness, connection and understanding drives us all toward a more empathetic and honest relationship with one another,” Gerry Shinkowitz tweeted in announcement of his decision.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN)—Former entrepreneur and founder of Gerry & Sola’s Gluten Free Coconut Ice Cream Gerry Shinkowitz announced on Twitter this week that he has decided to rebrand himself as a spiritual guru, Brimborion News is reporting.

Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions

“I told them they couldn’t unionize if they were doing something illegal,” said union spokesperson Noah Tallgrimson. “They wouldn’t be a union, they’d be the mafia.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – In 1973, Oregon became the nation’s first state to deem possession of a “lid” of marijuana (i.e. “four fingers,” or about an ounce) a mere violation, and no longer a crime. And though the state passed a measure to fully decriminalize the devil’s lettuce as far back as 1996, and was one of four states to legalize the veritable dank for medical use two years later, it wasn’t until 2017 that the recreational right to get mad skrizzed became fully legal, and, thus, the state found itself inundated with commercial dispensaries, shelling out the stickiest of the state’s ickies to consumers 21 and over.

Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think

“I don’t need to have dated a ton to understand what goes on in a man’s head,” said Oceanspray Forster, 29. “It’s all over the internet, and well documented in feminist literature, dating back to the 19th century.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Despite having only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the longest for a span of eleven months, a Eugene woman is touting her expertise on the machinations and mental processes of the entirety of the male gender, Brimborion News reported Monday.

Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls

“There was everything you could imagine in [the vomit]. Yarn, compost, burlap,” resident Lana Murphy said. “And goats are known for eating everything imaginable, so,”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A juvenile goat’s indiscretion led to a woman being unable to go into work on Friday, Brimborion News is reporting.

Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast

With several city citations, shakedowns, STDs and drug offenses under his belt, Samuel Kass, 33, decided he was ready to return to his home on the Upper East Side.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant Manhattanite who’s called Eugene and much of the Western United States his home for the last 9 years has decided to phone his dad for a plane ticket home, he told Brimborion News on Monday.

Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar from the ’80s, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band

“Remember, remember that video from ‘There’s Something About You’? With the guy dressed like a clown? Their guitarist played one,” said Jeremy Holsby, 27. “And that chick who sang in Rush played one, too, I think.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – Walking into a pawnshop on Franklin Blvd. in Glenwood, Jeremy Holsby recalls something on the far wall calling out to him. There, among second-rate guitars by Harmony, Squire and Ibanez, hung a 1984 Steinberger GL-2 electric, distinctly known for its small, rectangular, graphite/carbon-fiber body, and lack of a head.

Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog

“This is my dog,” said alleged dog thief Damian Henderson, 48, of Eugene.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A man allegedly owning a dog he either stole or acquired from someone who stole it originally has decided to help search for a lost dog in his neighborhood, sources told Brimborion News.

Student Looks Out Apartment Window, Notices Homeless Camping behind His Fence Have Better Furniture than He Does

“It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” resident Matthew Gofeld said.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A university student was shocked Sunday evening to gaze out his kitchen window and find a loveseat, rattan papasan chair, coffee table and other assorted furniture being used by the squatters residing behind his apartment complex.

Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene After 24 Years

“All my old friends still live in the building, which is cool. Except they don’t seem to remember me all that well,” said former Eugene resident Azrael Skreed.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Bay Area man returned to the Whiteaker apartment he’s been renting since 1995 for the first time in 24 years, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday.

Gutterpunk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack

“Hey, maybe I like pink! Huh? Maybe I like pink! Maybe I like halter tops!” gutterpunk Dareena Kahl exclaimed.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A woman was spotted walking out of Nordstrom Rack with a pink halter top Thursday, according to sources.

Man Visits Eugene for a Day, Has Conversations with Eleven Strangers, Leaves Feeling Pretty Good about Himself

“Everyone I spoke with did ask me for something, though. That doesn’t happen to everyone, right?” said Herman Cort of Minnesota.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Midwestern man on a stroll through parts of Eugene alone on Saturday wound up being stopped by eleven strangers, he told Brimborion News.

“I started getting into these real intense conversations with people online, and began to realize: This is my calling. You know?” Constance ‘Cornflower’ Maxwell said.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An Iowa woman who recently moved to Eugene is offering her unsolicited opinion about social justice issues to anyone she thinks may not believe what she does, sources told Brimborion News Tuesday.

Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street

“I don’t know if they realized what was actually going on,” said Darren Riddlehome, who witnessed the race.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Two men, high on what was alleged to be methamphetamine, occupied the bicycle lane on 1st Avenue for approximately 15 seconds between Monroe St. and Van Buren Thursday night to take part in what appeared to be a race to the Kwik Stop Convenience Store.

College Dropout Yoga Instructor Also Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes

“I actually went to college for a year, so I feel I know what I’m talking about,” said Phoenix, owner of Rising Sun Yoga in Eugene.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A yoga instructor with no formal background in science has decided to begin incorporating lessons in advanced anatomy and physiology into her classes, sources told Brimborion News on Sunday.

Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too

“There’s already like fifteen landscaping businesses fronting for deals around here,” coke dealer ‘Eddie’ said. “It’s a saturated market.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A local cocaine dealer was informed by his competitors Wednesday not to use landscaping as a front for his business, for fear it may bring more heat down on the illegal drug trade, sources told Brimborion News.

Rape Alley to be Designated City’s First Official ‘Possible Unsafe Zone’

“I grew up in so central LA and no place scare me like #rapealley,” one Twitter user wrote. “Two tours in Afghanistan and if it’d to been #rapealley I was deployed, I would’ve gone awol,” wrote another.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The section of alley spanning Adams and Jackson Streets just north of W. 3rd Ave, colloquially known to residents as ‘Rape Alley’, is being deemed Eugene’s first Possible Unsafe Zone, officials said Wednesday.

41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material

“I have girls telling me all the time how much they love my van,” said David Feldspar, 41. “It’s Eugene, bro! This is why I love living here!”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a converted 1989 GMC Vandura his home believes he’s the perfect catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday.

Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl

“Where I grew up, whenever you had a group of teenage dudes around some girl, they’d start jumping around like chimps, acting like f—ing jackals,” Taco Bell employee Antonio Lopez said. “In Eugene, it’s different.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The mood and energy did not significantly shift among four male teens upon the arrival of a fifth who brought with him his alleged new girlfriend, witnesses told Brimborion News on Friday.

Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring Up at Co-Op

“I just feel like they have it coming,” cashier Mahalo Shatailo said. “I mean, they get everything else, like, handed to them in this world. Why their $8 worth of groceries?”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A cashier at a local co-op who identifies as gender fluid told Brimborion News on Tuesday that they are fed up with obviously cisgender male customers expecting them to bag their groceries, or even hand them over after being rung up.

Man in Red Cape Always Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s A Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar

“I ain’t saying I’m a criminal, but I can’t help nobody solve their crimes,” said resident Otande Freeman. “I may be the perpetrator of that crime, you know what I’m saying?”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene man seen around town in a red cape, clutching the neck of a children’s guitar, is wistfully concerned that people are starting to put too much faith in his ability to assist citizens in need.

Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant

“I’m just curious about the changes in my body during the process, you know? Like, wow—what an amazing experience that would be!” said Eugene resident Angel McCarron.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene woman has decided she wants to become a mother, and isn’t concerned with sweating the small stuff regarding the ins-and-outs of child rearing. Angel McCarron, 34, told Brimborion News she would like to experience the 9 months of carrying a child to term, specifically and exclusively to know what it’s like to have done it.

Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her At All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man

“I’m just looking for someone who’ll listen, who’ll process this whole experience with me on my journey,” said current resident Sesquihana Darby. “Someone totally free and unburdened, but also completely grounded and 100% mature at the same time.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant woman who’s been calling Eugene home for three weeks now is on the lookout for a responsible man she can one day call her life partner. Sesquihana Darby, 26, told Brimborion News she’s ready to settle down, though not ready to stop traveling the country, calling a renovated school bus that she doesn’t own her home.

Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave

“It was terrifying. I imagine it was like a Nazi death camp for my tofu,” said Trudy Pierce of Eugene. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from the contents of their plate.

**Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still At All Time High**

“They get these tripwire clockers, pot thieves and skull-busters in here from like LA and New York, and they aren’t using their bully rage to beat up people who actually commit crimes,” said an employee at the Lane County District Attorney’s office.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Sidney Moist was walking home with his friends down Broadway Ave. in the West Eugene neighborhood on a Friday evening, only a few blocks from the Beermuda Triangle, when they approached the dark intersection and noticed the unlit police vehicles. As they neared, they saw three officers handcuffing an obstreperous homeless man, subduing him face down in the street. Moist took umbrage to this, and decided to step in and say something.

What happened next is disputed.

Former UO Grad Strikes it Rich, Existence Suddenly Acknowledged by Alumni Association, Others

“You’d be amazed how many branches I suddenly have in my family tree now,” said Groindage founder Jakob Balarud. “I mean, like, literally, how many just materialized out of thin air. I know none of these people were related to me before.”

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — As if congratulating him for the success he’s found in his business life, the Alumni Association of the University of Oregon has now begun to flood alumnus Jakob Balarud with scores of letters, congenially and indirectly imploring him for donations, Mr. Balarud told Brimborion News.

Man Causes Car Accident Watching Flower Bloom While He Was Supposed to Be Driving

“[A squirrel] just ran out in front of me. You know how they do that, without warning. I had to stop!” motorist Paul Simmons exclaimed.

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A motorist who had slowed down to take a photo of a pretty flower caused a three-car collision in Eugene’s Whiteaker neighborhood, witnesses told Brimborion News.