Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A local cocaine dealer was informed by his competitors Wednesday not to use landscaping as a front for his business, for fear it may bring more heat down on the illegal drug trade, sources told Brimborion News. Nick, who refused to give his actual name for fear of being harassed by the cops again, said an anonymous letter by his rivals was left under the windshield wiper of his car, informing him of the decision. The letter wasn’t signed, but he says he knows who it was from.

“They’ve already cornered me and asked me not to. But what other kind of business am I going to found? I’m a coke dealer!”

Fellow coke dealer Eddie, who also refused to give real his name, told Brimborion News, “There’s already like fifteen landscaping businesses fronting for deals around here. It’s a saturated market. That’s just basic economics.”

Among the other possible industries recommended to Nick were the restaurant, child care, philanthropy, fast food, entertainment and automotive repair industries. Research has shown that all these industries have historically been viable options for peddlers of narcotics to use to shield their more illicit business ventures.

“We told him he should go start a farm-to-table restaurant,” Eddie said. “It’s clean, wholesome. Fits right in with the Eugene way-of-life. Besides, no one suspects there’s any coke floating around the restaurant industry.”