EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A motorist who had slowed down to take a photo of a pretty flower caused a three-car collision in Eugene’s Whiteaker neighborhood, witnesses told Brimborion News. At the front of the pile-up at the intersection of Van Buren and 3rd, Paul Simmons, 53, said he had seen a squirrel crossing the … Continue reading Driver Causes Accident Watching Flower Bloom While He Was Supposed to Be Driving
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – Stepping into a pawnshop on Franklin Blvd. in Glenwood, Jeremy Holsby recalls something on the far wall instantly calling out to him. Like a messianic vision, he says, he was drawn toward its aura, spellbound by its presence. There, among second-rate guitars by Harmony, Squire and Ibanez, hung a 1984 Steinberger … Continue reading Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band
So what did I learn, in the end? Nothing all that profound, really. That there’s this certain culture of people—one in many of the adopted, artificial cultures in America—who live a certain way, with its own set of rules, its adopted language, behaviors and self-righteousness, and use it to make themselves feel like they belong somewhere in this scary world. And I lived among them for a time. Jane Goodall, eat your heart out. ...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene man seen around town in a red cape, clutching the neck of a children’s guitar, is wistfully concerned that people are starting to put too much faith in his ability to assist citizens in need. Otande Freeman, 25, recently told Brimborion News that he gets stopped several times a … Continue reading Man in Red Cape Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s a Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar
In case you didn’t catch part 1 of the New Age Paradox, here’s a recap: The New Age Girl, this is what she would say: “I need you to talk about what you’re feeling. But I don’t want the whole story, about what you’re feeling. Don’t talk too much. It’s overwhelming..."
New Age Life Lesson # Whatever: Give the New Age Person everything they need, expect nothing in return, and they will love you unconditionally and your relationship will blossom. While they continue to love everyone else they feel like, too. And give far, far less than what they demand. Well, who the fuck is dumb enough to do that, you may ask? Bottom-feeders. A whole school of them. Which, speaking of, brings me to my men’s group...
And after five minutes of trying to flesh the whole thing out, to demonstrate clearly that I was capable of talking about how I felt—to many, many more of her glazed-eye blinkings—she would accuse me, in the end...of talking too much. And of still being angry. Which, of course, would start to make me angry.
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A cashier at a local co-op who identifies as gender fluid told Brimborion News on Tuesday that they are fed up with the obviously cishet male customers they have to deal with on a daily basis, who expect their groceries to be bagged, or even handed to them after purchase. "I … Continue reading Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring Up at Local Co-Op
And the second the sliding doors open I behold over the loudspeaker a girl’s voice: “Cody, can you come to the register? There’s a guy up here WITH A BOMB AND HE’S GOING TO BLOW US UP IF WE DON’T GIVE HIM OUR MONEY!!!!” I turned back to my girlfriend and told her to run. “Get out of here! Get back to the car!” And what did she do? The same thing she did every time I ever suggested something to her. She fucking argued with me...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A yoga instructor with no formal background in science has decided to begin incorporating lessons in advanced anatomy and physiology into her classes, sources told Brimborion News on Sunday. Phoenix, 35, the mononymic founder of Rising Sun Yoga in Eugene, was enrolled at Lane Community College for three terms in 2008-2009, … Continue reading College Dropout Yoga Instructor Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes
I work at a residential care facility, and we have a resident there named Jimmy-something. He’s on 24-hour watch. It’s not for suicide or anything like that, it’s more for manslaughterous geronticide in the third degree. Some seventy-five-year-old lady came shuffling down the main hall a few days ago, as an illustration, and without so … Continue reading Ersatz Frankie Avalon, or: Even the Snow Was Freezing Its Ass Off
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A man owning a dog he allegedly stole, or acquired from someone who stole it originally, has decided to help search for a lost dog in his neighborhood, sources told Brimborion News. Damian Henderson, 48, said he chose to take part in the effort to locate the missing ‘Mr. Jimson’ out … Continue reading Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog
Community People like you who think like you and act like you and look like you and believe what you believe, otherwise we don’t know how to interact with you so therefore you must be our enemy. Connection What’s supposed to happen every single time you have sex with your partner. Without exception. Every. Single. … Continue reading Glossary of New Age Terms for the Hopelessly (or Even Moderately) Conventional
Eugene, Ore. (BN) — It took a Japanese international student approximately fifteen minutes to purchase a cigarette lighter from under the glass counter at a local 7-11 this past weekend, witnesses and security camera footage revealed to Brimborion News. At the store located on the corner of 13th and Alder, consumers were frustrated to find … Continue reading Drunk Japanese Student Can’t Decide Which Lighter to Buy at 7-11
Eugene, Ore. (BN) — A loud confrontation took place Thursday evening near the downtown Eugene bus station, resulting from a near collision between a speeding motorist and a jaywalking pedestrian. Witnesses told Brimborion News that it all began when a homeless-looking young man toting a large, camping backpack began crossing the road without any regard … Continue reading Frat Bro, Backpacker Street Kid Have Argument Over Who’s More Entitled outside Bus Station
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Twenty-four hours after formally agreeing to open his relationship up to non-monogamy at his partner’s request, Acorn Lindenbaum, 33, had discovered that his identifying female, cis-hetero companion of two years had already taken full advantage of the newly-arranged situation. “She’d already slept with someone. Like, that evening. I don’t know—she must’ve … Continue reading Couple Agrees to Open Relationship, Man Can’t Compete with Vagina Privilege
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An Iowan who recently moved to Eugene is offering her unsolicited opinion about social justice issues to anyone she thinks may not believe exactly what she does, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. Constance “Cornflower” Maxwell, 28, decided to pack up her belongings and relocate from Keokuk to the Willamette Valley … Continue reading Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant Manhattanite who’s called Eugene and much of the Western US his home for the last 9 years has decided to phone his dad for a plane ticket to his actual home, he told Brimborion News on Monday. Samuel Kass, 33, who’s been living in a camper for the last … Continue reading Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast
She had the kind of stupid going on that made me think she got a really bad sunburn the day before. You know how that goes? Your brain just shuts down and all day you’re like, ‘Heywwooommnnggghhh.’ ...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene woman has decided she wants to become a mother, and isn’t concerned with sweating the small stuff regarding the ins-and-outs of child rearing. Angel McCarron, 34, told Brimborion News that she would like to experience the nine months of carrying a child to term, specifically and exclusively to know … Continue reading Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant
I live in a condo. And I rent. There are four attached units, horizontally laid out with no upstairs, and all the tenants lease from the owner. We have our own driveways, front lawns, backyards, etc. There’s a six-acre field behind the property that random homeless folks like to inhabit, use as a toilet, smoke … Continue reading Review—To the Sh*tbag, No-Name Roofing Company on My Roof: You Guys Suck
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Sidney Moist was returning home with his friends in the West Eugene neighborhood on a Friday evening in April, only a few blocks from the “Beermuda” Triangle, when they approached a dark intersection and noticed the unlit police vehicles. As they neared, three officers were seen handcuffing an obstreperous homeless man, … Continue reading Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High
Now, maybe Ron stole this phone, who knows? It wasn’t my phone, it wasn’t anyone I know’s phone. All I know, it was a cellphone that was bright lime green. Bright lime green like a child would own. Like a child clumsy enough—or unable to defend themselves enough—to allow it to be slapped from their hand and to skitter across the street where an accomplice could pick it up and dart into the shadows...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Two men, high on what was alleged to be methamphetamine, occupied the bicycle lane and part of the road on 1st Avenue for approximately 15 seconds between Monroe St. and Van Buren Thursday night, to take part in what appeared to be a race to the Quick Stop Food Store. The … Continue reading Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The section of alley spanning Adams and Jackson Streets just north of W. 3rd Ave, colloquially known to residents as “Rape Alley”, is being deemed Eugene's first Possible Unsafe Zone, officials said Wednesday. Signs similar to those designating familiar Safe Zones around the city will be placed at either end of … Continue reading ‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The mood and energy did not significantly shift among four male teens upon the arrival of a fifth who brought with him his alleged new girlfriend, witnesses told Brimborion News on Thursday. The teens, who had been scrolling through their phones, drinking energy drinks and talking about video games outside Taco … Continue reading Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant woman who’s been calling Eugene home for three weeks now is on the lookout for a responsible man she can one day call her life partner. Sesquihana Darby, 26, told Brimborion News she’s ready to settle down, though not ready to stop traveling the country, calling a renovated school … Continue reading Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A woman was spotted walking out of Nordstrom Rack after purchasing a pink halter top, sources told Brimborion News on Thursday. Dareena Kahl, 24, entered by the southern entrance of the building, but decided to exit through the east doors, in view of the Old Navy next door. That was where … Continue reading Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A university student was shocked Sunday to gaze out his kitchen window and find a loveseat, rattan papasan chair, coffee table and other assorted furniture being used by the squatters residing behind his apartment complex. “It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” Matthew Gofeld, 23, told Brimborion News. He said there’s been … Continue reading Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Bay Area man has returned to the Whiteaker neighborhood apartment he’s been renting since 1996 for the first time in 25 years, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. “Man, I haven’t been back in forever,” Azrael Skreed, 47, said from his moldy-smelling living room sofa. “I dropped out of ASU … Continue reading Trust Fund Kid, Now Adult, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from … Continue reading Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof. Just please don't walk upstairs. I need to eat tonight. Of all the nights...it's been so hot today! Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you! It's at me! Mr. Clean Clothes...it's so hot, I see ants...in the sky! He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart! Please...don't go up there!'
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a 1984 Chevy G20 conversion van his home believes he’s the perfect marital catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday. David Feldspar, 41, said he’s been living in his van for 13 years, parking it continuously at various locations in and around Lane County, and that … Continue reading 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
But after I got inside and put my stuff down, it finally struck me—like a coked-out getaway driver into a crosswalk full of guys dressed like Santa Claus—why Rory had so many girls still “riding his jock,” to quote a phrase he loved to use...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A juvenile goat’s indiscretion led to a woman being unable to go into work this past week, Brimborion News is reporting. Lana Murphy, 25, woke up to find her overalls, which had been left outside all night on a patio chair, covered in vomit. All signs pointed to her pet goat, … Continue reading Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – In 1973, Oregon became the nation’s first state to deem possession of a “lid” of marijuana (i.e. “four fingers,” or about an ounce) a mere violation, and no longer a felony. And though the state passed a measure to fully decriminalize the devil’s lettuce as far back as 1996, and was … Continue reading Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A local cocaine dealer was informed by his competitors Wednesday not to use landscaping as a front for his business, for fear it may bring more heat down on the illegal drug trade, sources told Brimborion News. Nick, who refused to give his actual name for fear of being harassed by … Continue reading Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A young woman with no interest in taking part in the pornographic film industry decided she had no other options but to move to Eugene, Oregon, Brimborion News discovered recently in an interview with the Southern California native. Cari Weigera, 23, who arrived in town three months ago from Van Nuys, … Continue reading Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Midwestern man on a stroll through parts of Eugene alone Saturday wound up being stopped by 11 strangers, he told Brimborion News in an interview. “They were all very friendly,” said Herman Cort, 51, of Bemidji, Minnesota. “We’re in town taking a tour of the university for my son, he’s … Continue reading Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Realize It
I myself learned to drive stick in Portland on a 1990 Plymouth Laser, aqua green with pink detailing and sparkles, spray-painted gold wheels, no muffler and a semi-malfunctioning fuel injection system. Paid $575 for it in 2006, which, if adjusted for inflation today, would probably come out to around $300...
Did you know that, today, if you punch the words ‘would I get pregnant if’ into an internet search engine, the most common response that comes back is: ‘I fucked a dog'? I kid you not...
I met his gaze. And, for a moment, our souls passed from one to the other, and the currency that was exchanged in the process was the stream of urine that ran slowly down his inner thigh...
Honestly, it is baffling sometimes to see the abandon with which so many humans cross roads and jockey street gutters in and around Eugene, Oregon, where I live...