Tag: humor

­How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

Basically, we were all set to go. Our headquarters had been established in an area of swamp preserve at the edge of Bobby Spiller’s backyard, and from out of it we ran our entire campaign. We had our footmen, our covert agents, we had our puppet regime’s leader in Jimmy Dinkins, we had our Joint Chiefs of Menace in Teddy Graft and his thuggish toadies, we had our figurehead to the cause in Chris Fibbler. We even had our battle cry, albeit one we couldn’t necessarily put on a campaign poster: “Pamberlingdong is a slut muffin!” ...

Why Do You Let That Nonsense Get to You?

Posted on by William I. Kilmgood, M.D., Ph.D. in Culture, Politics

People react to things.  It’s a crucial part of how our central nervous systems (CNS) function as living organisms.  Burns, freezes, pain, possible further pain, possible death—humans are going to yank away their body parts or duck underneath something if suspect any harm will come to them, and possibly live longer as a result.  We … Continue reading Why Do You Let That Nonsense Get to You? →

Into the Mind of a Billionaire

Posted on by Joseph C. Kolkas in Culture

Take a person.  Make it you.  Take you.  Now, imagine you’ve made enough money to never work again in your life.  A billion dollars, say.  But say you don’t.  That is, don’t never work again in your life.  Because this is real life; because, practically, if you stop working, you won’t have your billion dollars … Continue reading Into the Mind of a Billionaire →

How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 1

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

My grandfather used to be a high-level CIA operative.  From 1953 up to 1982, when he retired, he had been in many of the meeting rooms at Langley when some of the biggest coups against Third World leaders had been hatched.  In command tents and nondescript living rooms around the world—and in the Pentagon, itself—he … Continue reading How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 1 →

Glossary of New Age Terms for the Hopelessly (or Even Just Moderately) Conventional

Posted on by Lester Grooby in Lifestyle

1.) Community - People like you who think like you and act like you and look like you and believe what you believe, otherwise we don’t know how to interact with you so therefore you must be our enemy.

2.) Connection - What’s supposed to happen every single time you have sex with your partner. Without exception. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

Camel Costumes, Taquitos & a Death in the Family

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed Thursday night when the phone suddenly rings and, in between bong rips, I can hear my girlfriend answer it and begin to field questions in that very polite, earnestly slow-speak she uses exclusively for what I can only guess are old people who’ve accidentally misdialed my home...

Because All Those Alien Abductees Are Also Former Speed Daters

Posted on by Hymie Pinchbeck in Life in Eugene

I was walking down Blair Boulevard, amazed at how much the strip has changed in the last ten years—primarily from pretentious urban commodities like whiskey-fusion bars, coffee-fusion kiosks, designer beer, farm-to-table restaurants, Mexic-Ital-Yemeni fusion cuisine, Califor-Nigeri-Armenian fusion cuisine, electric tricycle showrooms, designer tacos, sushi restaurants that seat six and have no windows...

Everybody’s Favorite Sis!

Posted on by Homer J. Fong in Culture

My friend Bethany and I met up for drinks on Friday. She needed to talk to someone because she’d just been ghosted by the latest guy she’d met on Bumble, and my brain was identified as one that could be non-invasively picked to try and help find an answer as to why things like this keep happening to her...

I Double Detective Deputy Dare You: Tales from the Birchwood, Vol. 1

Posted on by Lakshit Probakhar "Jimmy" Lakshadweep in Life in Eugene

Saturday morning, early at the Birchwood, I’m startled out of sleep by the window-muted shouting outside my apartment of a female voice: “Ron!  Where you at, Ron!  I know you in there!  If somebody don’t go and get Ron for me, I am gonna fuh-reeeak!” ...

The Psychophysical Limitations of a Judeo-Christian Hell

Posted on by William I. Kilmgood, M.D., Ph.D. in Science

First of all, I need to say that there is no such thing as ‘psychophysics’.  It’s technically not a real thing.  There have been psychophysical experiments that have been conducted over the course of the last 100 years or so under the category, mainly, of neuroscientific research, or just ‘neuroscience’, which, itself, is actually a general term that encompasses a number of sciences, both natural and social...

You Must Be At Least This High To Be This High

Posted on by Hymie Pinchbeck in Misc. Comedy

I made it to Cambodia.  I was pretty sure I was never even going to see the runway, it seemed so ridiculous when I first went online to look at tickets, but then another fight with my girlfriend, similar to the one that had me pressing the ‘purchase’ button in the first place, got me packing, just the night before my first plane was scheduled to take off...

It’s a Public Building, You Can Go Anywhere You Like

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Life in Eugene

My friend Vicki and I walked out to the mall on Friday, each got a little bit of food to eat, and then headed back home.

And we’re walking by the river, and I was like, “Oh, hey, this looks like The River House.  Vicki, I wanna go in here.  Come on.  I’ve never been in here, I’ve lived in this town for 34 years, I wanna see what’s in here.” ...