EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from … Continue reading Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
Tag: funny writing
The Psychophysical Limitations of a Judeo-Christian Hell
Would you be paddled and taunted by the Founding Fathers dressed up as the Village People? Would you be paddled and taunted by The Village People dressed up as the Founding Fathers? Would you be forced to watch the Bader-Meinhoff doing the Riverdance? Sitting between Ben Franklin, dressed like the hot cop from the Village People, and King George III in a bondage suit, spiked collar and dental dam? Any number of scenarios are likely...
5 Ways to Man Living with Variance Potential for Erectile Power (She Melt When Read This)
According to many culture, erectile power define place for man in society. Also, woman favor man with erection, because firm erection of sexual organ is necessary for propagating child, healthy and blissful. Otherwise, to enter womb, flaccid organ is attempt to hide flat weather balloon in culvert, or stash corpse of snake into bottle to … Continue reading 5 Ways to Man Living with Variance Potential for Erectile Power (She Melt When Read This)
It’s a Public Building, You Can Go Anywhere You Like
'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof. Just please don't walk upstairs. I need to eat tonight. Of all the nights...it's been so hot today! Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you! It's at me! Mr. Clean Clothes...it's so hot, I see ants...in the sky! He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart! Please...don't go up there!'
41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a 1984 Chevy G20 conversion van his home believes he’s the perfect marital catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday. David Feldspar, 41, said he’s been living in his van for 13 years, parking it continuously at various locations in and around Lane County, and that … Continue reading 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
Lollapalooza Festival Guide
Every August, a plague descends upon the city of Chicago. A plague so wretched, so sickening, so disease-ridden that parts of downtown have to close entirely. Police call in reinforcements and parents pray for the safe return of their children. I am speaking, of course, of Lollapalooza...
Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Despite having only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the longest for a span of nine months, a Eugene woman is touting her expertise on the machinations and mental processes of the entirety of the male gender, Brimborion News is reporting. Brought up to believe strongly in feminist values by her … Continue reading Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think
5 Lessons for Protection of Man While Urinating (Its Genius)
Urinating is process of life-sustaining, expulsion of waste maintains health and disease-free in current body of condition. But as mechanical process can be performed, factors persist to flummox man while undergoing ritual, causing much problem for current and future health. No vastness of concentration can deter flummox, discussion for prior and post-urination we will cover … Continue reading 5 Lessons for Protection of Man While Urinating (Its Genius)
Uncle Huggy’s Magical World of Bros, Blow & the Hoes Who Blow Bros
But after I got inside and put my stuff down, it finally struck me—like a coked-out getaway driver into a crosswalk full of guys dressed like Santa Claus—why Rory had so many girls still “riding his jock,” to quote a phrase he loved to use...
Juicy Insight into the Powerful Perks of Lab-Grown Meat
“I don't know," my sister-in-law says. "Doesn't the whole thing seem a little too…I don't know. Weird?” “I mean, you’re eating eggs anyway. What are eggs but cells, right? Only this time, it’s like the egg grew up inside a machine into some kind of shapeless, godless, unverifiably lifeless blob without eyes or legs or a brain or anything like that.” “Like that one guy, who was president?” my brother says.
The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Making Travel Less Horrible and Embarrassing
I know the traveler I want to be. I want to be the guy in a sensible sports coat, carrying a briefcase that can fit easily under the chair or in the overhead compartment, yet is still capable of containing a lap top, a tablet, a bottle of whiskey, a vase, and a full-length mirror. … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Making Travel Less Horrible and Embarrassing
Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Even Realize It
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Midwestern man on a stroll through parts of Eugene alone Saturday wound up being stopped by 11 strangers, he told Brimborion News in an interview. “They were all very friendly,” said Herman Cort, 51, of Bemidji, Minnesota. “We’re in town taking a tour of the university for my son, he’s … Continue reading Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Even Realize It
8 Simple Step to Deal with Gonads Trouble (Doctor Might Hate This)
Gonads are important for reproduction and developing in mature person, but gonads trouble is often possible to occur. In this article we talk about simple step to take to mitigate gonad trouble. First of all, talk of science with factual information. What Are the Gonads? In male, gonads are created by cause of testosterone, stimulated … Continue reading 8 Simple Step to Deal with Gonads Trouble (Doctor Might Hate This)
9 Amazing Things You Need to Know about ChatGPT
“Hey, what do you know about this ChatGPT stuff?” my brother says to me from the living room when I’m over there recently. “What do you want to know?” I say. “No no—I’m asking you. What do you know?” he says. “No, I know, but what do you want to know?” I say. “I wanna … Continue reading 9 Amazing Things You Need to Know about ChatGPT
Best Insider Picks for the 2023 Stanley Cup Final
“All right, so what’s the spread?” “You mean the puckline?” he says. “No, I mean the spread. As in, ‘spread your cheeks and sit right down on top of this ceramic fruit topiary centerpiece, that I’m gonna hold steady for you. And give it a fundlebuster.’” My niece spit most of her beverage out onto the floor...
7 Scary Scandals of Prince Harry & the Royal Family
“Hey, did you hear about the royals?” my sister-in-law asks me when I’m over. “And the latest scandal with Prince Harry? It was pretty scary what happened.” “What, Kansas City?” “No, Harry and Meghan. The royals.” “I seen that show, I think. What about it?” “It’s not a show, they’re people.” “Well, what are they … Continue reading 7 Scary Scandals of Prince Harry & the Royal Family
The Ultimate Take on Martha Stewart’s Sexy Spread
"I mean, what good can you possibly say of this? ‘It’s going to empower women to…’—nope. ‘It’s going to inspire young girls to…’—nope. ‘It’s going to motivate seventy-year-old women to…’—nope. ‘Men are going to buy it because…’—nope. ‘Seventy-year-old men are going buy it because…’—maybe. But that's all you got."
Lübeck, Germany
I have never seen a Harry Potter film, but I assume they look like they were filmed in Lübeck. It’s got medieval brick buildings, narrow streets, corridors leading to unknown destinations, etc. It’s a LARPer’s wet dream...
The Art of the Abandoned Vehicle
I myself learned to drive stick in Portland on a 1990 Plymouth Laser, aqua green with pink detailing and sparkles, spray-painted gold wheels, no muffler and a semi-malfunctioning fuel injection system. Paid $575 for it in 2006, which, adjusted for inflation today, would probably come out to around $300...
Man’s Best Liability
Did you know that, today, if you punch the words ‘would I get pregnant if’ into an internet search engine, the most common response that comes back is: ‘I fucked a dog'? I kid you not...
The Moveable Feast: A Day on the Eugene City Bus
I met his gaze. And, for a moment, our souls passed from one to the other, and the currency that was exchanged in the process was the stream of urine that ran slowly down his inner thigh...
5 Minutes with a Komodo Dragon
Honestly, it is baffling sometimes to see the abandon with which so many humans cross roads and jockey street gutters in and around Eugene, Oregon, where I live...
The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Thrill-Seeking Adventure
Life is hard. The amount of bullshit most folks deal with on the daily is ridiculous. You’ve got shitty co-workers, a boss who thinks sick days are a privilege, your back hurts, and all you want to do is get the fuck out of Dodge. Most folks are stuck with a measly 2 weeks of … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Thrill-Seeking Adventure
Steam Whistle News Feed – March 10, 2023
I was called into the office of my editor the other day, and she told me—my editor—that she had been called into the office of her editor, after he had been called into the office of his, after this gentleman (whoever he is) had been called into a meeting with his superior, the CCO, after … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – March 10, 2023
How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2
"This is gonna be beautiful, my boy. We can’t lose. This Dinkins kid sounds like a real egocentric jackwad. Perfect for the operation. Another little Shah of Iran, down here in the bayou. And with this kid Graft, sounds like we got a bit of Armas thrown in for good measure. And Fimbler, the other … Continue reading How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2