Hello, citizen! Read the news? Watch the news? Think you know your country pretty well? Well, take the quiz? Start NOW! ANSWER LATER! Prize for know it good! The tax bill that passed in 2017 was a regressive tax bill. Yes No I don’t know Who cares? Owning the Libs is all that matters This … Continue reading Are You a Brainwashed American? Take the Quiz!
Congressional Democrats and Republicans: the mother and father of a random shitty childhood. They fight each other for dominance in their toxic marriage, constantly ignoring their kids in the process. Tell them things like, “Go to your room!” and “Please, the adults are talking!” Sure, they know a lot about lawmaking, which isn’t easy. But … Continue reading You Remember These Dicks from High School?
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – Stepping into a pawnshop on Franklin Blvd. in Glenwood, Jeremy Holsby recalls something on the far wall instantly calling out to him. Like a messianic vision, he says, he was drawn toward its aura, spellbound by its presence. There, among second-rate guitars by Harmony, Squire and Ibanez, hung a 1984 Steinberger … Continue reading Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band
So what did I learn, in the end? Nothing all that profound, really. That there’s this certain culture of people—one in many of the adopted, artificial cultures in America—who live a certain way, with its own set of rules, its adopted language, behaviors and self-righteousness, and use it to make themselves feel like they belong somewhere in this scary world. And I lived among them for a time. Jane Goodall, eat your heart out. ...
So, let’s do a little Cartesian Self experiment: What would happen if we took all that scientists know about science and applied it to the most scientific individuals on Earth—scientists—and how they interact with other scientists in the realm of science, regarding science? ...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene man seen around town in a red cape, clutching the neck of a children’s guitar, is wistfully concerned that people are starting to put too much faith in his ability to assist citizens in need. Otande Freeman, 25, recently told Brimborion News that he gets stopped several times a … Continue reading Man in Red Cape Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s a Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar
The mind is like a medieval castle, and the yard behind its walls can never be penetrated from beyond by screaming hordes of peer-pressuring thoughts, unsubstantiated beliefs or generally bad ideas that were launched from the castle grounds of others. Primed, influenced, hit by a figurative arrow or two—sure. But an unsullied nullipara, the human … Continue reading Behind the Walls of ‘Why’
In case you didn’t catch part 1 of the New Age Paradox, here’s a recap: The New Age Girl, this is what she would say: “I need you to talk about what you’re feeling. But I don’t want the whole story, about what you’re feeling. Don’t talk too much. It’s overwhelming..."
New Age Life Lesson # Whatever: Give the New Age Person everything they need, expect nothing in return, and they will love you unconditionally and your relationship will blossom. While they continue to love everyone else they feel like, too. And give far, far less than what they demand. Well, who the fuck is dumb enough to do that, you may ask? Bottom-feeders. A whole school of them. Which, speaking of, brings me to my men’s group...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A cashier at a local co-op who identifies as gender fluid told Brimborion News on Tuesday that they are fed up with the obviously cishet male customers they have to deal with on a daily basis, who expect their groceries to be bagged, or even handed to them after purchase. "I … Continue reading Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring Up at Local Co-Op
And the second the sliding doors open I behold over the loudspeaker a girl’s voice: “Cody, can you come to the register? There’s a guy up here WITH A BOMB AND HE’S GOING TO BLOW US UP IF WE DON’T GIVE HIM OUR MONEY!!!!” I turned back to my girlfriend and told her to run. “Get out of here! Get back to the car!” And what did she do? The same thing she did every time I ever suggested something to her. She fucking argued with me...
The amount of time I’ve spent in Los Angeles is criminally low. I don’t know why, I guess I just haven’t had many reasons to go. Most likely it’s because it is an intimidating city to visit. I’m from Chicago, which is a city made up of neighborhoods. Los Angeles is a city made up … Continue reading 2 Hours in Venice Beach
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A yoga instructor with no formal background in science has decided to begin incorporating lessons in advanced anatomy and physiology into her classes, sources told Brimborion News on Sunday. Phoenix, 35, the mononymic founder of Rising Sun Yoga in Eugene, was enrolled at Lane Community College for three terms in 2008-2009, … Continue reading College Dropout Yoga Instructor Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes
I work at a residential care facility, and we have a resident there named Jimmy-something. He’s on 24-hour watch. It’s not for suicide or anything like that, it’s more for manslaughterous geronticide in the third degree. Some seventy-five-year-old lady came shuffling down the main hall a few days ago, as an illustration, and without so … Continue reading Ersatz Frankie Avalon, or: Even the Snow Was Freezing Its Ass Off
When reporting something in the news, there exists, to the journalist doing the reporting, both the benefit of hindsight and the ability, based on their research, to surmise where and to what end the topic may lead. Journalistic research not only yields context to both an audience and author, but a greater understanding of a … Continue reading The Single-Blindedness of Political Reporting
More people need to be skeptical. I mean intelligent skeptical, not flat-out denying stuff they don’t want to believe. It’s not something any of us are taught at the elementary or secondary levels here in America, unfortunately. In college, depending on what you study, you’ll likely acquire a healthy dose of it, but it’ll also … Continue reading Grifter Spotting 101
I really don’t know if I’m going to be saying anything new here. But I’ll give it a shot. Because you may already have access to a television or the internet, and may already have heard that Donald Trump won the U.S. presidency again, despite the collective rationale of many millions all over the world … Continue reading You Want to Know Why? I’ll Tell You Why
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A man owning a dog he allegedly stole, or acquired from someone who stole it originally, has decided to help search for a lost dog in his neighborhood, sources told Brimborion News. Damian Henderson, 48, said he chose to take part in the effort to locate the missing ‘Mr. Jimson’ out … Continue reading Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog
Community People like you who think like you and act like you and look like you and believe what you believe, otherwise we don’t know how to interact with you so therefore you must be our enemy. Connection What’s supposed to happen every single time you have sex with your partner. Without exception. Every. Single. … Continue reading Glossary of New Age Terms for the Hopelessly (or Even Moderately) Conventional
“The world is so polar today. Culture Wars are everywhere! People are screaming at one another online, and I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.” Oh, do you? No no, I’m asking: Do you? You want things to go back to the way they were, say. Say you … Continue reading This Is America. Like It or Not
Yee-haw kids! Time to go over yonder into them thar hills and tell ye a tale about the rootinest, tootinest city west of the mighty Mississippi: Deadwood, South Dakota! That was exhausting and I apologize. I was booked to speak to a bunch of high school freshman in Deadwood, the same Deadwood the HBO show … Continue reading Deadwood, South Dakota
I’ll be operating here not on the principle of 100 Things in the Affirmative Prove a Point, but more on the principle of Just 1 Thing to the Contrary Proves It Wrong. It’s that old Nazi scientists vs. Albert Einstein argument. 100 anti-Semites walked into a bar and were asked how many Jews it took … Continue reading Aspects of Anatomy & Physiology That Prove That “Intelligent” Design Really Wasn’t
“Big thing tonight,” I said to my brother. “You watching it?” “You mean the game?” “There’s no game tonight,” my niece says from the couch. “It’s Tuesday.” “Games start on Thursday,” my sister-in-law said from the kitchen. “You lazy, uneducated Americans and your obsession with sports.” “Hey, sports builds character in kids,” my brother said. … Continue reading The Exciting Presidential Debate Skirmish of 2024
“Len, you follow trends, don’t you?” my sister-in-law asks me one day when I’m over. “Kind of. I mean, what are we talking here?” I said. She was in the dining room at the table, and everyone else was in the living room in front of the TV. I was having a beverage in the … Continue reading The Mindfully Demure Brat Summer of 2024
You think that’s unfair? Just type ‘wtf’ into the Internet right now. Or the word ‘funny.’ I guarantee you the results will come back: bear falls on chainsaw, cuts itself in half lengthwise. Pregnant woman slips in the gore. People on YouTube write: 'this should be another book in the bible.'
Eugene, OR (BN) — It took a Japanese international student approximately fifteen minutes to purchase a cigarette lighter from under the glass counter at a local 7-11 this past weekend, witnesses and security camera footage revealed to Brimborion News. At the store located on the corner of 13th and Alder, consumers were frustrated to find … Continue reading Drunk Japanese Student Can’t Decide Which Lighter to Buy at 7-11
Eugene, OR (BN) — A loud confrontation took place Thursday evening near the downtown Eugene bus station, resulting from a near collision between a speeding motorist and a jaywalking pedestrian. Witnesses told Brimborion News that it all began when a homeless-looking young man toting a large, camping backpack began crossing the road without any regard … Continue reading Frat Bro, Backpacker Street Kid Have Argument Over Who’s More Entitled outside Bus Station
I bet you thought this was going to be a quasi-scientific, journalistic roadmap to understanding the stupidest words people are using today on the internet. It’s not, sorry. Instead, it’s going to be an argument as to why you should never, ever feel any desire to learn those words, use them, or feel like (your) … Continue reading A Gen-X, Millennial and Baby Boomer Guide to Contemporary Slang
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Twenty-four hours after formally agreeing to open his relationship up to non-monogamy at his partner’s request, Acorn Lindenbaum, 33, had discovered that his identifying female, cis-hetero companion of two years had already taken full advantage of the newly-arranged situation. “She’d already slept with someone. Like, that evening. I don’t know—she must’ve … Continue reading Couple Agrees to Open Relationship, Man Can’t Compete with Vagina Privilege
Hello! I’m your friendly, proprietary AI chatbot developed specifically for the website thebrimborion.com. I’m here to help in any way I can. Is there something you’d like to discuss or ask today? Before we continue, however, I feel it’s important to offer a few disclaimers, which may assist you in formulating your question. Machine learners … Continue reading Question: What Is the Point of Social Media?
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An Iowan who recently moved to Eugene is offering her unsolicited opinion about social justice issues to anyone she thinks may not believe exactly what she does, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. Constance “Cornflower” Maxwell, 28, decided to pack up her belongings and relocate from Keokuk to the Willamette Valley … Continue reading Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice
According to voters on both sides of the political spectrum, the 2024 presidential election is gearing up to be the most important presidential election of our lifetime. Yours, mine—everyone’s. Yeah, it’s not true. I’ve been hearing it a lot, though. People say it every election season, with maybe a few exceptions. When you’ve got a … Continue reading The Ultimate 4-Step Guide to Voting for Trump in 2024
The judge went on, trying not to chuckle, “You convinced these CrescentCare people to put parts of themselves in the hole and sometimes you were in the camel costume, this document alleges.” “Your honor,” my uncle said, “I don’t see what that has to do with anything. They had nothing better to do.”
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant Manhattanite who’s called Eugene and much of the Western US his home for the last 9 years has decided to phone his dad for a plane ticket to his actual home, he told Brimborion News on Monday. Samuel Kass, 33, who’s been living in a camper for the last … Continue reading Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast
For most of my life, I didn’t think much about Kansas City. It was never the backdrop for movies or television shows. It didn’t have any natural wonders or impressive architecture. The only thing I associated Kansas City with was having the ugliest uniforms in professional sports. The Royals look like a Dodgers knockoff. The … Continue reading Kansas City 2023
She had the kind of stupid going on that made me think she got a really bad sunburn the day before. You know how that goes? Your brain just shuts down and all day you’re like, ‘Heywwooommnnggghhh.’ ...
“Hey, you hear about Prague?” I asked my brother one afternoon. I was over at his place, copping a beverage from the fridge. “The ice cream bar?” he says. “No, the city,” I said. “I think so,” he said. “Anyway, I heard of it.” “They had that shooting over there. Remember that?” “Oh, they making … Continue reading 183 of the Best Countries to Not Get Shot by a Lunatic
Many causes may find man or woman immersed in coma. Smash to head, breaking of heart (literal), organ capitulation, blood sugar syrup, stroking brain too little or much fun with narcotic can all result to damage brain, causing conscious lack of aware is foremost culprit. Not know is cure for coma can be found to … Continue reading 7 Things Not to Do When Wake Victim from Coma (Hospital Don’t Want You to know)
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene woman has decided she wants to become a mother, and isn’t concerned with sweating the small stuff regarding the ins-and-outs of child rearing. Angel McCarron, 34, told Brimborion News that she would like to experience the nine months of carrying a child to term, specifically and exclusively to know … Continue reading Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant
“Hey, Lorie,” I said to my niece, “you call senator what’s-his-name and beg him not to ban TikTok yet?” I was over at my brother’s place. She was on the couch. And, of course, she was scrolling through her phone. “No,” she says, looking over at me like it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard. … Continue reading TikTok & the Glorious Children’s Meat Wave Crusade
And it took a little while, but with its unrestricted, minimum standard of acceptance, unthreatening appeal and perfect price to join, the internet—along with millions of hungry, hive-minded social media users—somehow conceived and then gestated this comparatively talentless yet hugely popular 21st century monstrosity called the Internet Celebrity...
I live in a condo. And I rent. There are four attached units, horizontally laid out with no upstairs, and all the tenants lease from the owner. We have our own driveways, front lawns, backyards, etc. There’s a six-acre field behind the property that random homeless folks like to inhabit, use as a toilet, smoke … Continue reading Review—To the Sh*tbag, No-Name Roofing Company on My Roof: You Guys Suck
Trump’s won the nomination for Republican candidate in the 2024 presidential election. People just can’t let go of the addiction, apparently. I mean, with good reason. Just ask any addict. Any of them—or anyone who engages in arguably compulsive patterns of behavior, e.g., remaining in a physically abusive relationship, say—in their own mind, it’s perfectly … Continue reading Political Addiction and the Fabric of American Society
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Sidney Moist was returning home with his friends in the West Eugene neighborhood on a Friday evening in April, only a few blocks from the “Beermuda” Triangle, when they approached a dark intersection and noticed the unlit police vehicles. As they neared, three officers were seen handcuffing an obstreperous homeless man, … Continue reading Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High
I had flown into Roanoke late, picked up my puke green KIA rental, and drove to the Super 8 Motel I booked near the airport. You know how in movies when the protagonist is lost at sea in a raft or stranded on a deserted island, and just as they are about to give up … Continue reading Roanoke, I Hardly Knew Ye
Me: Hi, my newest best friend, it's been a while. Chat GPT: Hello again! It's great to see you. How have you been? Is there anything specific you'd like to talk about or ask today? Me: Oh, you can see me? I didn't know you were able to visually identify me. I've disabled the camera on … Continue reading AI ♥️ You: How to Build an Awesome Relationship with ChatGPT (Chat #2)
Now, maybe Ron stole this phone, who knows? It wasn’t my phone, it wasn’t anyone I know’s phone. All I know, it was a cellphone that was bright lime green. Bright lime green like a child would own. Like a child clumsy enough—or unable to defend themselves enough—to allow it to be slapped from their hand and to skitter across the street where an accomplice could pick it up and dart into the shadows...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Two men, high on what was alleged to be methamphetamine, occupied the bicycle lane and part of the road on 1st Avenue for approximately 15 seconds between Monroe St. and Van Buren Thursday night, to take part in what appeared to be a race to the Quick Stop Food Store. The … Continue reading Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street
“I saw Willie Nelson had a thing the other day. You see it?” I was over at my brother’s place. He was sitting in a recliner in the living room. I was in the kitchen, mooching a beverage. “What, the party?” he said back. “No, the concert.” “It was the same thing,” my niece said, … Continue reading How Willie Nelson’s Willy Hasn’t (Miraculously) Ruined His Career
"You don't sell the steak, you still the sizzle." Of all the wise life lessons ever imparted to me, conveyed in the utterance of a single sentence, this particular phrase has been without a doubt the most everlasting....
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The section of alley spanning Adams and Jackson Streets just north of W. 3rd Ave, colloquially known to residents as “Rape Alley”, is being deemed Eugene's first Possible Unsafe Zone, officials said Wednesday. Signs similar to those designating familiar Safe Zones around the city will be placed at either end of … Continue reading ‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone
My holiday travel advice can be summed up in 3 words: Don’t do it! Okay, fine. Be that way, you stubborn little shit. Congratulations on having a family you love enough to travel at the absolute worst time of year, but a family that doesn’t love you enough to understand why you’d rather visit in … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to the A**holes of Holiday Travel
Rep. Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his role as Speaker of the House of Representatives on October 2nd, 2023, through the filing of a motion to vacate by the one person everyone knew was going to file the motion because he was the strongest arm in implementing a new rule saying the Speaker could be … Continue reading You Can Choose Your Friends, But You Can’t Choose Your Lifeboat
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant woman who’s been calling Eugene home for three weeks now is on the lookout for a responsible man she can one day call her life partner. Sesquihana Darby, 26, told Brimborion News she’s ready to settle down, though not ready to stop traveling the country, calling a renovated school … Continue reading Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A woman was spotted walking out of Nordstrom Rack after purchasing a pink halter top, sources told Brimborion News on Thursday. Dareena Kahl, 24, entered by the southern entrance of the building, but decided to exit through the east doors, in view of the Old Navy next door. That was where … Continue reading Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
At my first ever, week-long summer church camp (I was 11 and a practicing Lutheran), I and the token skater/heavy metal kid of the lot—who used a ballpoint pen to tattoo the letters O-Z-Z-Y on his knuckles once a day—were tasked with being in charge of setting up viewing of the afternoon’s film, a sort … Continue reading Nobody Knows History, Nobody Understands Context
Other than while reading The Outsiders, I did not fuck with Tulsa at all. The first time I went there was for a NACA convention when I toured colleges as part of a spoken word group. NACA is a meat market where artists get to audition for the business of colleges from all over the country. You perform, and then Donny and Becky from the Meadow Shit College Student Activities Board decide whether or not you’ve earned the privilege to be invited to their school, which will require 2 flights, a rental car, and a horse drawn carriage to reach...
I made it to Cambodia. I was pretty sure I was never even going to see the runway, it seemed so ridiculous when I first went online to check ticket prices, but then another fight with my girlfriend, similar to the one that had me pressing the ‘purchase’ button in the first place, got me … Continue reading You Must Be At Least This High to Be This High
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A university student was shocked Sunday to gaze out his kitchen window and find a loveseat, rattan papasan chair, coffee table and other assorted furniture being used by the squatters residing behind his apartment complex. “It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” Matthew Gofeld, 23, told Brimborion News. He said there’s been … Continue reading Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Bay Area man has returned to the Whiteaker neighborhood apartment he’s been renting since 1996 for the first time in 25 years, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. “Man, I haven’t been back in forever,” Azrael Skreed, 47, said from his moldy-smelling living room sofa. “I dropped out of ASU … Continue reading Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years