It’s a Public Building, You Can Go Anywhere You Like

'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof.  Just please don't walk upstairs.  I need to eat tonight.  Of all the's been so hot today!  Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you!  It's at me!  Mr. Clean's so hot, I see the sky!  He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart!  Please...don't go up there!'

Uncle Huggy’s Magical World of Bros, Blow & the Hoes Who Blow Bros

But after I got inside and put my stuff down, it finally struck me—like a coked-out getaway driver into a crosswalk full of guys dressed like Santa Claus—why Rory had so many girls still “riding his jock,” to quote a phrase he loved to use...

The Art of the Abandoned Vehicle

I myself learned to drive stick in Portland on a 1990 Plymouth Laser, aqua green with pink detailing and sparkles, spray-painted gold wheels, no muffler and a semi-malfunctioning fuel injection system.  Paid $575 for it in 2006, which, adjusted for inflation today, would probably come out to around $300...

woman in white suit discussing stock market data to her colleagues

The New Age Paradox, Part 4: The Relationship Stock Market, and Further Reflections on My Time with a New Age Girl

Any relationship is an investment.  You put in energy, time, emotion, stress, effort and finances, you may give up parts of your dreams and life plans for it, but, in return, it can come to satisfy you in ways you have pre-determined you want to be satisfied, and also in ways you couldn’t have imagined.  … Continue reading The New Age Paradox, Part 4: The Relationship Stock Market, and Further Reflections on My Time with a New Age Girl

woman in white dress shirt holding white textile

Self-Pleasure in the Time of COVID-19

Two months before the coronavirus pandemic blew up in the U.S., I got transferred to the graveyard shift at my job. Which meant that, for starters, unlike the coronavirus itself, the curve for my dating life was seriously about to flatten. My casual sex life, however, like the number of idiots watching FOX News who didn’t believe COVID-19 was a real thing, was about to go through the roof...

The New Age Paradox, Part 2: The Men’s Group

New Age Life Lesson # Whatever: Give the New Age Person everything they need, expect nothing in return, and they will love you unconditionally and your relationship will blossom. While they continue to love everyone else they feel like, too.  And give far, far less than what they demand. Well, who the fuck is dumb enough to do that, you may ask? Bottom-feeders.  A whole school of them. Which, speaking of, brings me to my men’s group...

The New Age Paradox, Part 1

And after five minutes of trying to flesh the whole thing out, to demonstrate clearly that I was capable of talking about how I felt—to many, many more of her glazed-eye blinkings—she would accuse me, in the end...of talking too much. And of still being angry. Which, of course, would start to make me angry.

Fat Hymie & the Hard Times Phosphate Possie

And the second the sliding doors opened I behold over the loudspeaker a girl’s voice: “Cody, can you come to the register?  There’s a guy up here WITH A BOMB AND HE’S GOING TO BLOW US UP IF WE DON’T GIVE HIM OUR MONEY!!!!” I turned back to my girlfriend and told her to run.  “Get out of here!  Get back to the car!”  And what did she do?  The same thing she did every time I ever suggested something to her. She fucking argued with me...

I Double Detective Deputy Dare You: Tales from the Birchwood, Vol. 1

All I know, it was a cellphone that was bright lime green.  Bright lime green like a child would own.  Like a child clumsy enough—or unable to defend themselves enough—to allow it to be slapped from their hand and to skitter across the street where an accomplice could pick it up and dart into the shadows...