It’s a Public Building, You Can Go Anywhere You Like

'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof.  Just please don't walk upstairs.  I need to eat tonight.  Of all the nights...it's been so hot today!  Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you!  It's at me!  Mr. Clean Clothes...it's so hot, I see ants...in the sky!  He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart!  Please...don't go up there!'

­How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2

"This is gonna be beautiful, my boy. We can’t lose. This Dinkins kid sounds like a real egocentric jackwad. Perfect for the operation. Another little Shah of Iran, down here in the bayou. And with this kid Graft, sounds like we got a bit of Armas thrown in for good measure. And Fimbler, the other … Continue reading ­How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2

That’s What Clever Is

Didn’t take long to see the gold crucifix around his neck.  And once I did, it seemed ready to pounce on me like a leopard in the black, tall prairie grass that was his chest hairs, framed by his considerably buttoned-down, purple polyester shirt.  I was on a bus back in New Orleans, around 12-years old, on my way home from detention (again)...

How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 1

Of course, this was 1987. Everything was radical. Fourth grade. Girls. 9-year-old girls with mullet haircuts. Needle exchange programs. Overthrowing legally elected, Third World presidents. Overthrowing legally elected, fourth grade, 9-year-old girl presidents with mullet haircuts who start needle exchange programs...

Camel Costumes, Taquitos & a Death in the Family

Right then it occurred to me for some reason that talking to my aunt was the first time I’d ever spoken to a politician that wasn’t at a payphone. "Yeah, I know you, McConnell!  I’m gonna gun you down like ham in the field!  What?  No, I’m not calling from a Dairy Mart!" ...