Author: Kaplan Gownes

­How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

Basically, we were all set to go. Our headquarters had been established in an area of swamp preserve at the edge of Bobby Spiller’s backyard, and from out of it we ran our entire campaign. We had our footmen, our covert agents, we had our puppet regime’s leader in Jimmy Dinkins, we had our Joint Chiefs of Menace in Teddy Graft and his thuggish toadies, we had our figurehead to the cause in Chris Fibbler. We even had our battle cry, albeit one we couldn’t necessarily put on a campaign poster: “Pamberlingdong is a slut muffin!” ...

That’s What Clever Is

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

Didn’t take long to see the gold crucifix around his neck.  And once I did, it seemed ready to pounce on me like a leopard in the black, tall prairie grass that was his chest hairs, framed by his considerably buttoned-down, purple polyester shirt.  I was on a bus back in New Orleans, around 12-years old, on my way home from detention (again)...

How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 1

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

My grandfather used to be a high-level CIA operative.  From 1953 up to 1982, when he retired, he had been in many of the meeting rooms at Langley when some of the biggest coups against Third World leaders had been hatched.  In command tents and nondescript living rooms around the world—and in the Pentagon, itself—he … Continue reading How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 1 →

Camel Costumes, Taquitos & a Death in the Family

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Misc. Comedy

I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed Thursday night when the phone suddenly rings and, in between bong rips, I can hear my girlfriend answer it and begin to field questions in that very polite, earnestly slow-speak she uses exclusively for what I can only guess are old people who’ve accidentally misdialed my home...

It’s a Public Building, You Can Go Anywhere You Like

Posted on by Kaplan Gownes in Life in Eugene

My friend Vicki and I walked out to the mall on Friday, each got a little bit of food to eat, and then headed back home.

And we’re walking by the river, and I was like, “Oh, hey, this looks like The River House.  Vicki, I wanna go in here.  Come on.  I’ve never been in here, I’ve lived in this town for 34 years, I wanna see what’s in here.” ...