Hello, citizen! Read the news? Watch the news? Think you know your country pretty well? Well, take the quiz? Start NOW! ANSWER LATER! Prize for know it good! The tax bill that passed in 2017 was a regressive tax bill. Yes No I don’t know Who cares? Owning the Libs is all that matters This … Continue reading Are You a Brainwashed American? Take the Quiz!
Congressional Democrats and Republicans: the mother and father of a random shitty childhood. They fight each other for dominance in their toxic marriage, constantly ignoring their kids in the process. Tell them things like, “Go to your room!” and “Please, the adults are talking!” Sure, they know a lot about lawmaking, which isn’t easy. But … Continue reading You Remember These Dicks from High School?
And the second the sliding doors open I behold over the loudspeaker a girl’s voice: “Cody, can you come to the register? There’s a guy up here WITH A BOMB AND HE’S GOING TO BLOW US UP IF WE DON’T GIVE HIM OUR MONEY!!!!” I turned back to my girlfriend and told her to run. “Get out of here! Get back to the car!” And what did she do? The same thing she did every time I ever suggested something to her. She fucking argued with me...
I work at a residential care facility, and we have a resident there named Jimmy-something. He’s on 24-hour watch. It’s not for suicide or anything like that, it’s more for manslaughterous geronticide in the third degree. Some seventy-five-year-old lady came shuffling down the main hall a few days ago, as an illustration, and without so … Continue reading Ersatz Frankie Avalon, or: Even the Snow Was Freezing Its Ass Off
The judge went on, trying not to chuckle, “You convinced these CrescentCare people to put parts of themselves in the hole and sometimes you were in the camel costume, this document alleges.” “Your honor,” my uncle said, “I don’t see what that has to do with anything. They had nothing better to do.”
Now, maybe Ron stole this phone, who knows? It wasn’t my phone, it wasn’t anyone I know’s phone. All I know, it was a cellphone that was bright lime green. Bright lime green like a child would own. Like a child clumsy enough—or unable to defend themselves enough—to allow it to be slapped from their hand and to skitter across the street where an accomplice could pick it up and dart into the shadows...
I made it to Cambodia. I was pretty sure I was never even going to see the runway, it seemed so ridiculous when I first went online to check ticket prices, but then another fight with my girlfriend, similar to the one that had me pressing the ‘purchase’ button in the first place, got me … Continue reading You Must Be At Least This High to Be This High
But after I got inside and put my stuff down, it finally struck me—like a coked-out getaway driver into a crosswalk full of guys dressed like Santa Claus—why Rory had so many girls still “riding his jock,” to quote a phrase he loved to use...
Did you know that, today, if you punch the words ‘would I get pregnant if’ into an internet search engine, the most common response that comes back is: ‘I fucked a dog'? I kid you not...
"This is gonna be beautiful, my boy. We can’t lose. This Dinkins kid sounds like a real egocentric jackwad. Perfect for the operation. Another little Shah of Iran down here in the bayou. And with this kid Graft, sounds like we got a bit of Armas thrown in for good measure. And Fimbler, the other … Continue reading How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2
Two months before the coronavirus pandemic blew up in the U.S., I got transferred to the graveyard shift at my job. Which meant that, for starters, unlike the coronavirus itself, the curve for my dating life was seriously about to flatten. My casual sex life, however, like the number of idiots watching FOX News who didn’t believe COVID-19 was a real thing, was about to go through the roof...
Didn’t take long to see the gold crucifix around his neck. And once I did, it seemed ready to pounce on me like a leopard in the black, tall prairie grass that was his chest hairs, framed by his considerably buttoned-down, purple polyester shirt. I was on a bus back in New Orleans, around 12-years old, on my way home from detention (again)...
Of course, this was 1987. Everything was radical. Fourth grade. Girls. 9-year-old girls with mullet haircuts. Needle exchange programs. Overthrowing legally elected, Third World presidents. Overthrowing legally elected, fourth grade, 9-year-old girl presidents with mullet haircuts who start needle exchange programs...