According to voters on both sides of the political spectrum, the 2024 presidential election is gearing up to be the most important presidential election of our lifetime. Yours, mine—everyone’s.
Yeah, it’s not true. I’ve been hearing it a lot, though. People say it every election season, with maybe a few exceptions. When you’ve got a presidential campaign with only two candidates on the ballot, realistically, one side’s supporters will tell you this, the other’s will tell you that, and both fear the likelihood of their respective ‘its’ not coming to pass.
But in case you’re sick of incumbent what’s-his-name, and still aren’t entirely sure if you want to vote for Donald Trump, here’s a quick and handy guide for figuring out if the former 45th president is going to be your 47th guy this time around. If any one of these conditions applies to you, you should strongly consider casting your vote for Trump and his Agenda 47 on November 5th.
1. Your government failed you
You wanted the American Dream, and none of it every materialized. And without a doubt, it’s all the government’s fault. The same government you don’t trust as far as you could stuff in a howitzer and fire across the Atlantic into Communist Western Europe, by the way.
Greedy fat-cats. Crooked politicians. Suited denizens of the Swamp. They were voted into power and never left, gorging themselves on lobby kickbacks, taxpayer funds and the lunchpail contents of your working-class soul. And in the process, they somehow became that same British monarchy that the first Americans sought to quash the trans-Atlantic influence of with their cries of revolution.
Or so you believe.
Your great-great (great-great) grandparents came over from Europe (likely), and when they did, they set to seeking out that dream of homeownership, general prosperity, liberty and ultimate middle-class contentedness. They had to learn the language first, maybe, and spend their lives working in some sh—hole factory so that their sons and daughters could have a better shot than they did, but the possibilities were there. All they needed to do was work hard, and the Dream would be a reality.
Maybe. If this wasn’t the actual America founded after the Revolution, where similar greedy fat cats, landowners and merchants, revised aristocrats of the freshly-dug Bog suited in justacorps, jabots and knee breeches were now calling the shots. They set the rules down onto parchment for every outclassed citizen to read, and to believe the place was wholly democratic and fair—that economic and social equality were the new world order, and that every citizen’s voice was equal.
But from the start, power was always king, class order the mandate. And yet, somehow, 250 years later, a man who’s been outclassing you and your kind since before he was born is the one who’s going to change it all. After four years of an opportunity to already have done so.
But as long as the present government exists and its failures toward you fester, whoever becomes the loudest to ramble half-coherently on your behalf, repeating the same nonsense over and over as they pat your belly and rub your ears, should be the one to get your vote.
2. You want a political holy war
“I know Trump isn’t perfect, but…”
“He may not be the most stalwart in his own faith, but…”
“Everyone has some things from their past they regret, and so…”
“He may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.”
(Sorry, strike that last one. That’s something else.)
Have you ever begun to answer the question “Why would you cast a vote for Trump, good evangelical Christian ma’am/gentleman, when you know he has extramarital affairs with women who make blue movies and/or make their privates public, or sexually assaulted another in a department store dressing room, or at the very least bragged about doing similar things (while married) to women with his hands years before he was found guilty in a civil suit of very, very likely doing that same thing to that person in a department store dressing room?” with any of the above phrases?
When the American political system is blotted so heavily with laws that derive directly from evangelicalism—i.e. the word of the right God, which is your God—and freedom is subjugated and religion runs the country, will you look around with arms raised, laughing, “MWUAHAHAHAHA!!!” because your sect is in complete control now, and afterwards breathe a sigh of relief and think, “Thank you, Jesus—in your name have we taken over this god-forsaken hellhole”?
Then you should probably be voting for Trump this November.
3. You fall on the Dark Triad
Arguments on the merits of psychobabble aside, the dark triad is as good a rubric as any, if reasons 1 and 2 don’t apply, to determine whether or not you should still be voting for Trump. Is it completely accurate? All-encompassing? Thoroughly substantiated? No. But, like Maslow’s Pyramid of Self-Actualization, there’s just something to it. You know it, I know it; even though it’s social psychology we’re talking here, and much of it is highly questionable—because studying behavior is a highly questionable science, for the type of data yielded—it’s enough of a placeholder to get you your potential voting decision.
Chaos. Self-importance. Lack of empathy. Little emotion or regulation. Momentary or situational lack of a conscience. Rationalization of it all because you’re right, and always will be. Sound familiar? That’s you, right?
Want to watch the world burn? Want to toss the match yourself? Don’t give a sh– about the rules and law? Think they apply everyone but you? When someone wrongs you, do you want to wrong them back? Make them suffer? Is suffering funny? I mean like a ‘ha-ha’ kind of funny? When people show compassion, do you want to punch something? Does screaming at a Walmart cashier or Denny’s waitress make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside?
Then you definitely need to be boarding that Trump train when it comes rolling through the land.
4. You fear and hate liberalism
This is true of most all conservatives, so it’s not nearly the biggest factor. However, in case you’ve gotten through the first three and realized that none of it is you, and still aren’t sure whether or not to vote for Trump, all you need is to remind yourself of the alternative. Are homosexuals going to be visible? Are they going to interact with your children? Are transsexuals going to be peeing next to you? Are black/brown/yellow/red people going to have better jobs than you? Are they going to move down your block? Are they going to swarm into the country like cicadas and change the way of life in your small town? Are women going to be calling the shots where you work, on your county/city board or in your own household?
If so, and you fear the possibility of any of those things, you most assuredly need to vote to make America great again, once again (not really), this coming November.
