EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – Stepping into a pawnshop on Franklin Blvd. in Glenwood, Jeremy Holsby recalls something on the far wall instantly calling out to him. Like a messianic vision, he says, he was drawn toward its aura, spellbound by its presence. There, among second-rate guitars by Harmony, Squire and Ibanez, hung a 1984 Steinberger … Continue reading Man Picks Up That Stupid, Ugly Box Guitar, Decides to Start Prog Rock Band
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene man seen around town in a red cape, clutching the neck of a children’s guitar, is wistfully concerned that people are starting to put too much faith in his ability to assist citizens in need. Otande Freeman, 25, recently told Brimborion News that he gets stopped several times a … Continue reading Man in Red Cape Holding Small Guitar Wishes People Would Stop Thinking He’s a Superhero Who Plays a Small Guitar
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A cashier at a local co-op who identifies as gender fluid told Brimborion News on Tuesday that they are fed up with the obviously cishet male customers they have to deal with on a daily basis, who expect their groceries to be bagged, or even handed to them after purchase. "I … Continue reading Gender Fluid Cashier Gives Cold Shoulder to Cis Males They’re Forced to Ring Up at Local Co-Op
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A yoga instructor with no formal background in science has decided to begin incorporating lessons in advanced anatomy and physiology into her classes, sources told Brimborion News on Sunday. Phoenix, 35, the mononymic founder of Rising Sun Yoga in Eugene, was enrolled at Lane Community College for three terms in 2008-2009, … Continue reading College Dropout Yoga Instructor Likes to Give Lessons in Advanced A&P During Her Classes
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A man owning a dog he allegedly stole, or acquired from someone who stole it originally, has decided to help search for a lost dog in his neighborhood, sources told Brimborion News. Damian Henderson, 48, said he chose to take part in the effort to locate the missing ‘Mr. Jimson’ out … Continue reading Man with Stolen Dog Helps Neighborhood Search for Other Stolen Dog
Eugene, OR (BN) — It took a Japanese international student approximately fifteen minutes to purchase a cigarette lighter from under the glass counter at a local 7-11 this past weekend, witnesses and security camera footage revealed to Brimborion News. At the store located on the corner of 13th and Alder, consumers were frustrated to find … Continue reading Drunk Japanese Student Can’t Decide Which Lighter to Buy at 7-11
Eugene, OR (BN) — A loud confrontation took place Thursday evening near the downtown Eugene bus station, resulting from a near collision between a speeding motorist and a jaywalking pedestrian. Witnesses told Brimborion News that it all began when a homeless-looking young man toting a large, camping backpack began crossing the road without any regard … Continue reading Frat Bro, Backpacker Street Kid Have Argument Over Who’s More Entitled outside Bus Station
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Twenty-four hours after formally agreeing to open his relationship up to non-monogamy at his partner’s request, Acorn Lindenbaum, 33, had discovered that his identifying female, cis-hetero companion of two years had already taken full advantage of the newly-arranged situation. “She’d already slept with someone. Like, that evening. I don’t know—she must’ve … Continue reading Couple Agrees to Open Relationship, Man Can’t Compete with Vagina Privilege
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An Iowan who recently moved to Eugene is offering her unsolicited opinion about social justice issues to anyone she thinks may not believe exactly what she does, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. Constance “Cornflower” Maxwell, 28, decided to pack up her belongings and relocate from Keokuk to the Willamette Valley … Continue reading Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant Manhattanite who’s called Eugene and much of the Western US his home for the last 9 years has decided to phone his dad for a plane ticket to his actual home, he told Brimborion News on Monday. Samuel Kass, 33, who’s been living in a camper for the last … Continue reading Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene woman has decided she wants to become a mother, and isn’t concerned with sweating the small stuff regarding the ins-and-outs of child rearing. Angel McCarron, 34, told Brimborion News that she would like to experience the nine months of carrying a child to term, specifically and exclusively to know … Continue reading Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Sidney Moist was returning home with his friends in the West Eugene neighborhood on a Friday evening in April, only a few blocks from the “Beermuda” Triangle, when they approached a dark intersection and noticed the unlit police vehicles. As they neared, three officers were seen handcuffing an obstreperous homeless man, … Continue reading Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Two men, high on what was alleged to be methamphetamine, occupied the bicycle lane and part of the road on 1st Avenue for approximately 15 seconds between Monroe St. and Van Buren Thursday night, to take part in what appeared to be a race to the Quick Stop Food Store. The … Continue reading Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The section of alley spanning Adams and Jackson Streets just north of W. 3rd Ave, colloquially known to residents as “Rape Alley”, is being deemed Eugene's first Possible Unsafe Zone, officials said Wednesday. Signs similar to those designating familiar Safe Zones around the city will be placed at either end of … Continue reading ‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The mood and energy did not significantly shift among four male teens upon the arrival of a fifth who brought with him his alleged new girlfriend, witnesses told Brimborion News on Thursday. The teens, who had been scrolling through their phones, drinking energy drinks and talking about video games outside Taco … Continue reading Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant woman who’s been calling Eugene home for three weeks now is on the lookout for a responsible man she can one day call her life partner. Sesquihana Darby, 26, told Brimborion News she’s ready to settle down, though not ready to stop traveling the country, calling a renovated school … Continue reading Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A woman was spotted walking out of Nordstrom Rack after purchasing a pink halter top, sources told Brimborion News on Thursday. Dareena Kahl, 24, entered by the southern entrance of the building, but decided to exit through the east doors, in view of the Old Navy next door. That was where … Continue reading Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A university student was shocked Sunday to gaze out his kitchen window and find a loveseat, rattan papasan chair, coffee table and other assorted furniture being used by the squatters residing behind his apartment complex. “It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” Matthew Gofeld, 23, told Brimborion News. He said there’s been … Continue reading Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Bay Area man has returned to the Whiteaker neighborhood apartment he’s been renting since 1996 for the first time in 25 years, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. “Man, I haven’t been back in forever,” Azrael Skreed, 47, said from his moldy-smelling living room sofa. “I dropped out of ASU … Continue reading Trust Fund Kid, Now Man, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from … Continue reading Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a 1984 Chevy G20 conversion van his home believes he’s the perfect marital catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday. David Feldspar, 41, said he’s been living in his van for 13 years, parking it continuously at various locations in and around Lane County, and that … Continue reading 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Despite having only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the longest for a span of nine months, a Eugene woman is touting her expertise on the machinations and mental processes of the entirety of the male gender, Brimborion News is reporting. Brought up to believe strongly in feminist values by her … Continue reading Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A juvenile goat’s indiscretion led to a woman being unable to go into work this past week, Brimborion News is reporting. Lana Murphy, 25, woke up to find her overalls, which had been left outside all night on a patio chair, covered in vomit. All signs pointed to her pet goat, … Continue reading Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – In 1973, Oregon became the nation’s first state to deem possession of a “lid” of marijuana (i.e. “four fingers,” or about an ounce) a mere violation, and no longer a felony. And though the state passed a measure to fully decriminalize the devil’s lettuce as far back as 1996, and was … Continue reading Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A local cocaine dealer was informed by his competitors Wednesday not to use landscaping as a front for his business, for fear it may bring more heat down on the illegal drug trade, sources told Brimborion News. Nick, who refused to give his actual name for fear of being harassed by … Continue reading Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A young woman with no interest in taking part in the pornographic film industry decided she had no other options but to move to Eugene, Oregon, Brimborion News discovered recently in an interview with the Southern California native. Cari Weigera, 23, who arrived in town three months ago from Van Nuys, … Continue reading Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Midwestern man on a stroll through parts of Eugene alone Saturday wound up being stopped by 11 strangers, he told Brimborion News in an interview. “They were all very friendly,” said Herman Cort, 51, of Bemidji, Minnesota. “We’re in town taking a tour of the university for my son, he’s … Continue reading Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Realize It