Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from the contents of their plate.

“It was terrifying.  I imagine it was like a Nazi death camp for my tofu,” Ms. Pierce said.  “I don’t want to think about it.”

“I knew they heated up sandwiches here if you asked them,” Mr. Pierce said, referring to the organic deli in which they were dining, “but I didn’t realize it was with a microwave.  We had specifically asked that the tempeh be room temperature, and that the rest of the condiments be only lightly cooled.  I mean, I think that would be a clear enough message that we don’t want our food heated above 76 degrees Fahrenheit, which is the temperature at which the food’s vital energy begins to die.”

While no legitimate source for Mr. Pierce’s claim could be found, it is a common belief to some that placing one’s meal in a microwave makes it radioactive, causes the nutrients to “die off”, or the food’s soul to perish.

“It’s true,” said Godhead Lemniscus, founder of Godhead Healing and Psyche Repair in Eugene.  “All raw and even minimally-processed foods contain traces of a vital, divine energy that is sourced from both the Earth and the sun.  Every time we heat our food to quantified excesses, we destroy that energy, and do detrimental harm to our bodies.”

While no legitimate source for Mr. Lemniscus’ claim could be found, either, research has shown that processing foods and even exposing them to exceedingly high temperatures can create both carcinogens and neo-formed contaminants (NFCs), contributing to inflammation, heart disease and certain types of cancers.

Microwaves, however, have been shown to do no significant harm to foods, although reheating certain foods can cause chemical changes that sometimes lead to food poisoning and food-borne diseases. 

But despite this empirical evidence and readily-available information, some still believe in the type of food animism described by Mr. Lemniscus. 

“It was just tragic,” Mr. Pierce said.  “We were able to get a refund on our meal, which was nice, but still.  Perfectly good food, gone.  My wife’s been despondent.  She’s had two kelp/maitake superfood smoothies already today.  They’ve helped her to relax.”