Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think

EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Despite having only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the longest for a span of nine months, a Eugene woman is touting her expertise on the machinations and mental processes of the entirety of the male gender, Brimborion News is reporting.

Brought up to believe strongly in feminist values by her mother, particularly those of the Third Wave, Oceanspray Forster, 29, blogs daily about phallocentrism, clitoris envy (otherwise known as ‘micropenis-envy’), male obsession with the “money shot”, and what she perceives as the primary source of Western civilization’s regression and downfall: women who do, and argue in support of, whatever men tell them to do, something she terms “Matrixrchical Patriyrchy”. She’s even in the process of writing a book she hopes to one day self-publish.

“This is hands-down a male-dominated society,” said Forster, “and everything that has pretty much befallen Womynkind since the dawn of Womyn has been the result, directly, indirectly or monotheistically, of men.” [editor’s note: Ms. Forster demanded to proofread the final draft of this story before publication, to ensure gender-proper spelling and capitalization.]

On the topic of her personal experience with men, however, she has far less to discuss. “I’ve had boyfriends, yes. A couple. I don’t need to have dated a ton to understand what goes on in a man’s head on a daily basis. It’s all over the internet, and well documented in feminist literature, dating back to the 19th century.”

“My father left my mother when I was three, because he said he just couldn’t be around her ‘nagging’ and ‘female bullsh–’ anymore,” she stated with air quotes. “My mother instilled in me a sense of female identity, and taught me about the intersectional intersexuality that exists between all living things, and that men only exist in this world to sever that bond. And that they were lazy, disrespectful, aggressive, apathetic, terrible with money, inconsiderate, oafish, pigs, had mommy issues and were just plain old…rude. She also taught me to grow up to think anyway I choose.”

Asked about the moment she realized feminism was her calling, Forster replied, “I wasn’t planning being such a presence in the movement. But the day—I was seventeen—I was walking down the street, and a car full of guys complimented me on my hair, figure and wardrobe, I knew I had to do something. I mean, it was absolutely degrading.”