“Hey, Lorie,” I said to my niece, “you call senator what’s-his-name and beg him not to ban TikTok yet?” I was over at my brother’s place. She was on the couch. And, of course, she was scrolling through her phone. “No,” she says, looking over at me, like it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard. … Continue reading TikTok & the Glorious Children’s Meat Wave Crusade
“I saw Willie Nelson had a thing the other day. You see it?” I was over at my brother’s place. He was sitting in a recliner in the living room. I was in the kitchen, mooching a beverage. “What, the party?” he said back. “No, the concert.” “It was the same thing,” my niece said, … Continue reading How Willie Nelson’s Willy Hasn’t (Miraculously) Ruined His Career
“You go talk to those people. Read their stories. People get poisoned, robbed at gunpoint, executed, drugged, stabbed in the back. Literally. We’re talking old school treachery here. They get depressed, commit suicide. Smoke crack. Or just do the dumbest stuff imaginable, like try to become drug traffickers. Or smoke crack..."
“I don't know," my sister-in-law says. "Doesn't the whole thing seem a little too…I don't know. Weird?” “I mean, you’re eating eggs anyway. What are eggs but cells, right? Only this time, it’s like the egg grew up inside a machine into some kind of shapeless, godless, unverifiably lifeless blob without eyes or legs or a brain or anything like that.” “Like that one guy, who was president?” my brother says.
“Hey, what do you know about these…uhh…Kardashians?” my brother asks me one Saturday when I’m over. “What’s there to know?” I say. “They unload their dirty laundry all over television and the internet every week. I don’t know anything about 'em, and I still know too much about 'em.” “Hm,” he says. “I know if … Continue reading OMG! The Latest 411 on The Kardashians!
“Hey, what do you know about this ChatGPT stuff?” my brother says to me from the living room when I’m over there recently. “What do you want to know?” I say. “No no—I’m asking you. What do you know?” he says. “No, I know, but what do you want to know?” I say. “I wanna … Continue reading 9 Amazing Things You Need to Know about ChatGPT
“All right, so what’s the spread?” “You mean the puckline?” he says. “No, I mean the spread. As in, ‘spread your cheeks and sit right down on top of this ceramic fruit topiary centerpiece, that I’m gonna hold steady for you. And give it a fundlebuster.’” My niece spit most of her beverage out onto the floor...
“Hey, did you hear about the royals?” my sister-in-law asks me when I’m over. “And the latest scandal with Prince Harry? It was pretty scary what happened.” “What, Kansas City?” I said. “No, Harry and Meghan. The royals.” “I seen that show, I think. What about it?” “It’s not a show, they’re people.” “Well, what … Continue reading 7 Scary Scandals of Prince Harry & the Royal Family
"I mean, what good can you possibly say of this? ‘It’s going to empower women to…’—nope. ‘It’s going to inspire young girls to…’—nope. ‘It’s going to motivate seventy-year-old women to…’—nope. ‘Men are going to buy it because…’—nope. ‘Seventy-year-old men are going buy it because…’—maybe. But that's all you got."