Can you tell by the headline that I’ve been devolving into my own atomic, hermetic, marginal bubble of outrage and self-importance? That I’m now looking at the news under a figurative lamplight for maybe ten minutes and then turning around and shouting at everyone who’ll listen (on the internet) the real meaning behind it all?
“The government puts graphene oxide in vaccines! Fluoride gives you autism! Organic food is a government conspiracy to put people out of work and make everyone transgender! Non-Whitey is replacing Whitey all over The Great White World, and it’s Joe Biden’s border policy’s fault! Trump won the 2020 election! Pizzagate!”
Can you tell that? Because I think it’s actually happening.
Congratulations, American corporate media. You win. You’ve made me think everyone who doesn’t think like me is my enemy. That every branch of my own government is to be feared and mistrusted. That the more tolerant and understanding and compassionate of people in this world are out to get me. That I should just move to a small town and go to church every day and run for city council so I can both understand the meaning of my own life without questioning it, and keep anyone who doesn’t think (or look or act or smell) like me out of my small town. Or church.
Way to go on that.
Instead of thinking I’m more important than the people upon whom the events of these headlines are thrust, I’m not going to birth headline offal spawned from my own outrage here, but rather say what the headlines actually mean. (Is there a difference? Probably not. But just bear with me.) It will be me, as Prometheus, telling Zeus what kind of an inbreeding mama’s boy he is, right in the middle of his eagle feasting on my liver. It’ll be me, as Galileo, shooting the bird to Vincenzo Maculani and everyone at the Roman Inquisition: “Eppur si muove, motherf—ers!” Or me, as Luke Skywalker, telling Darth Vader after telling me he’s my father that I’m a grown man now and I just don’t give a sh– about him being a deadbeat dad anymore.
Excluding some of the more transparent, insulting and pointless headlines from the American-based FOX News, other FOX Newses, CNN, MSNBC, The New York Times, The Washington Post, USA Today or The Wall Street Journal, I took a more moderate approach to my misanthropy, and only decided to use (pretty informative, honestly) headlines from the wire. But, nonetheless, still in need of my own, personal translating.
Here you go.
Real headline:
“Trump leans into voter fraud playbook, preparing to cry foul if he loses expected Biden rematch”
My headline:
“Trump, expecting to lose big on multiple fronts, evokes Fantasyland defense, gets believed by many” or:
“Only if Trump loses is there anything wrong with anything”
Real headline:
My headline:
“Lackey politicians on Capitol Hill look to kiss ass of imbecilic jackass outside Washington”
Real headline:
“Biden delays consideration of new natural gas export terminals, citing climate risk”
My headline:
“Centrist Biden plays ball during election season, throws bone here-and-there to potential constituents”
Real headline:
“Latest EPA assessment shows almost no improvement in river and stream nitrogen pollution”
My headline:
“Complete deregulation of U.S. industries means slow death by poisoning for populace”
Real headline:
“Global warming was primary cause of unprecedented Amazon drought, study finds”
My headline:
That’s about as self-explanatory as you can get, I think. And even the folks everyone says are responsible for it know they’re responsible for it. Because:
“At UN climate talks, fossil fuel interests have hundreds of employees on hand”
Real headline:
“Groundwater depletion accelerating in many parts of the world, study finds”
Other real headline:
Real headline:
“An unlikely challenger to Putin brings a rare show of defiance, creating a dilemma for the Kremlin”
My headline:
“Smiling murderer Putin deigns to allow others to run against him in election, feigning semblance of democracy in Russia”
Real headline:
“Netanyahu says he told the US that he opposes a Palestinian state in any postwar scenario”
My headline:
Sorry—that’s about as self-explanatory as you can get. It’s amazing how honest people can be in the news sometimes.
