I was called into the office of my editor the other day, and she told me—my editor, this—that she had been called into the office of her editor, after he had been called into the office of his, after this gentleman (whoever he is) had been called into a meeting with his superior, the CCO, after she had been called to speak with the CEO, after he, the CEO, had a meeting with the board of directors, after they had spoken with the major shareholders, and proceeded to subsequently relay, all the way back down to me, that visitors to the website aren’t staying engaged long enough on the pages of my news recaps.
So, to remedy that, I’ll be optimizing the recap this week, highlighting not just the most verifiably important issues of the last couple weeks, but the issues that ought to genuinely matter to you as an informed American citizen, or citizen of the world, if you keep an eye on America. (And, most assuredly, issues that don’t matter most for all the wrong reasons to the board and the suits and people who’ve invested the most cash into this endeavor.)
Now, there’ll be a big prize giveaway* at the end, should you arrive, which—be forewarned—will involve staying on the page for more than 15 seconds.
But, as I said, I’ve fully optimized this week’s recap, facilitating your ability to navigate without qualm or burden, or even that much prejudice.
Ready? Okay, let’s begin.
In Arizona, two people riding bicycles died and 17 were left injured after someone ran into them with a truck. They were just biking along, and then all of a sudden: truck. The driver stayed at the scene though, which was nice of him. He’s now sitting in jail on a $250,000 bond.
Some lady in New Jersey died in a house fire that was likely self-started, and she was sitting on or hoarding about 30 cats, some of which belonged to other people. They probably died, too. The cats, not the other people.
Some guy, also from New Jersey, tried to board a plane with a bunch of guns, pretending that he was a U.S. Marshal. It turns out he wasn’t a U.S. Marshal, only someone pretending to be a U.S. Marshal. With guns. Trying to board an airplane. No one really knows why, but if you ask the guy in the next paragraph, he may have an answer.
A Massachusetts man (speaking of airplanes), on a cross-country flight from Los Angeles to Boston, having actually successfully boarded the plane, attempted at some point in the flight to not only open one of the emergency side doors, knowing it would kill many people in the process, but also fashioned a spoon into a shiv-like weapon and allegedly attacked a male flight attendant, after which he was subdued by about a dozen passengers. (In case your day wasn’t already stressful enough, here’s some video of the man having his meltdown among a herd of a hundred or so very frightened passengers.)
Did you hear about the slaying of four University of Idaho students a few months back? Well, the FBI obtained a warrant to search the family home of the suspected killer, and, much to the shock of an eager public, found four pairs of gloves, a flashlight, a T-shirt, a sweatshirt, a pair of shoes, some socks, some shorts and one pair of underwear. It was highly unusual, experts say, as these are items normally not found in any American home at any one given point in time.
Four Americans who traveled to Matamoros, Mexico, were waylaid in their vehicle and fired upon last week by what was later revealed to be (because a signed, written apology was submitted in their name) a local drug cartel, having mistaken the Americans for a rival Haitian gang. Two of the passengers were killed in the shooting, and another wounded. It was later determined the Americans had been visiting Mexico to obtain and/or offer support for the person obtaining a transnational buttock augmentation, which was also considered important news, for some reason.
And in more news of “high profile” killings (which can’t give some people enough satisfaction, apparently, just calling them a ‘killing’ or ‘murder’—a different type of qualifier and classification has become necessary altogether, according to the prestige or wealth of the suspect and the breadth of media coverage given the trial, for reasons that should become evident later), a South Carolina lawyer, the multi-generational scion of people with important jobs that had involved public support and trust, was recently found guilty of killing his wife and son, after having misappropriated millions of dollars from many of his former clients.
In more important news, a rape kit—RAPE kit—was used to identify the killer of a woman back in 1973, after someone had the bright idea to go and finally test it after 30 years.
Little kids were also killed in the care of Child Protective Services in Texas. They were found in the home of the person likely responsible. Some survived, though.
And in case all that cursory misery wasn’t enough for you, many people in the higher elevations of California are getting buried by freakishly murderous amounts of snow, which fell from the sky in flake form first because of certain meteorological conditions that often lead to precipitation of that variety falling in such regions. And to it sometimes accumulating on the ground.
Okay, all done. Did you get through it? Simple, right?
Were you certain to click on all the links?
No? Well, go back and click on all the links, please. I’ll get in trouble if you don’t.
Or was that ‘no’ to getting through the whole recap? Well, you likely wouldn’t be reading this sentence if you hadn’t, so I’m just going to assume you’re lying about that.
Okay, are you ready for your prize*?
Consider yourself a little less brainwashed. There it is.
* – PRIZE(S)
The prize(s) that may be awarded to the eligible winner(s) are not transferable, redeemable for cash or in any other way, or exchangeable for any other prize, of which there are none. All prizes must somehow be redeemed within 30 days of the contest end date unless otherwise stated in the contest’s official rules, of which there are also none. If a winner cannot be contacted or is disqualified for any reason, which is highly likely, the Company reserves the right to determine an alternate winner or not to award that winner’s prize, in its sole discretion. In the event of the former, see ‘PRIZE(S)’. In the event of the latter, see ‘WASN’T REALLY A REAL PRIZE GIVEAWAY TO BEGIN WITH, ANYWAY’.