The Brimblogrion
The Exciting Presidential Debate Skirmish of 2024
“Big thing tonight,” I said to my brother. “You watching it?” “You mean the game?” “There’s no game tonight,” my niece says from the couch. “It’s Tuesday.” “Games start on Thursday,” my sister-in-law said from the kitchen. “You lazy, uneducated Americans and your obsession with sports.” “Hey, sports builds character in kids,” my brother said. … Continue reading The Exciting Presidential Debate Skirmish of 2024
Brimboriodcast #439 – Monday, Sept. 2, 2024 (29:22)
The Mindfully Demure Brat Summer of 2024
“Len, you follow trends, don’t you?” my sister-in-law asks me one day when I’m over. “Kind of. I mean, what are we talking here?” I said. She was in the dining room at the table, and everyone else was in the living room in front of the TV. I was having a beverage in the … Continue reading The Mindfully Demure Brat Summer of 2024
Steam Whistle News Feed – August 23, 2024
Politico released an analysis this week, after reviewing the cross-tabulation data of almost a dozen polls aiming to find out what key voters are now saying about Kamala Harris and Donald Trump, and the results, they indicated, were “eye-popping.” Whatever that means. Mainly, it pointed to a Kamala Harris surge in popularity. Honestly, a better … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – August 23, 2024
Just Blame the Internet for Everything
You think that’s unfair? Just type ‘wtf’ into the Internet right now. Or the word ‘funny.’ I guarantee you the results will come back: bear falls on chainsaw, cuts itself in half lengthwise. Pregnant woman slips in the gore. People on YouTube write: 'this should be another book in the bible.'
Drunk Japanese Student Can’t Decide Which Lighter to Buy at 7-11
Eugene, Ore. (BN) — It took a Japanese international student approximately fifteen minutes to purchase a cigarette lighter from under the glass counter at a local 7-11 this past weekend, witnesses and security camera footage revealed to Brimborion News. At the store located on the corner of 13th and Alder, consumers were frustrated to find … Continue reading Drunk Japanese Student Can’t Decide Which Lighter to Buy at 7-11
Brimboriodcast #438 – Monday, Aug. 5, 2024 (24:42)
Brimboriodcast #437 – Friday, Aug. 2, 2024 (28:51)
The Coming Electoral Contest in the Roman Empire, 395 A.D.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published by the BRIMBORION in April of 2021. Because its astuteness and relevance will likely be recognized and appreciated each and every election season in the foreseeable future, we have decided to print it again for 2024, and likely will for the next 200 years or so as long … Continue reading The Coming Electoral Contest in the Roman Empire, 395 A.D.
Brimboriodcast #436 – Monday, July 29, 2024 (21:22)
The Socialist Biden Regime vs. Trump’s Fascist Agenda 47 (July 26, 2024)
Joe Biden released a short letter on Sunday, July 21, announcing, by dint of the disproportionate weight of the most valuable and influential members of his party, that he will not be seeking a second term as president. It came in just a single line, his decision did, yet from out of those few words … Continue reading The Socialist Biden Regime vs. Trump’s Fascist Agenda 47 (July 26, 2024)
Frat Bro, Backpacker Street Kid Have Argument Over Who’s More Entitled outside Bus Station
Eugene, Ore. (BN) — A loud confrontation took place Thursday evening near the downtown Eugene bus station, resulting from a near collision between a speeding motorist and a jaywalking pedestrian. Witnesses told Brimborion News that it all began when a homeless-looking young man toting a large, camping backpack began crossing the road without any regard … Continue reading Frat Bro, Backpacker Street Kid Have Argument Over Who’s More Entitled outside Bus Station
A Gen-X, Millennial and Baby Boomer Guide to Contemporary Slang
I bet you thought this was going to be a quasi-scientific, journalistic roadmap to understanding the stupidest words people are using today on the internet. It’s not, sorry. Instead, it’s going to be an argument as to why you should never, ever feel any desire to learn those words, use them, or feel like (your) … Continue reading A Gen-X, Millennial and Baby Boomer Guide to Contemporary Slang
Brimboriodcast #435 – Wednesday, July 10, 2024 (21:38)
Brimboriodcast #434 – Wednesday, July 3, 2024 (32:26)
Couple Agrees to Open Relationship, Man Can’t Compete with Vagina Privilege
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Twenty-four hours after formally agreeing to open his relationship up to non-monogamy at his partner’s request, Acorn Lindenbaum, 33, had discovered that his identifying female, cis-hetero companion of two years had already taken full advantage of the newly-arranged situation. “She’d already slept with someone. Like, that evening. I don’t know—she must’ve … Continue reading Couple Agrees to Open Relationship, Man Can’t Compete with Vagina Privilege
Question: What Is the Point of Social Media?
Hello! I’m your friendly, proprietary AI chatbot developed specifically for the website thebrimborion.com. I’m here to help in any way I can. Is there something you’d like to discuss or ask today? Before we continue, however, I feel it’s important to offer a few disclaimers, which may assist you in formulating your question. Machine learners … Continue reading Question: What Is the Point of Social Media?
Brimboriodcast #433 – Friday, June 28, 2024 (19:46)
Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An Iowan who recently moved to Eugene is offering her unsolicited opinion about social justice issues to anyone she thinks may not believe exactly what she does, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. Constance “Cornflower” Maxwell, 28, decided to pack up her belongings and relocate from Keokuk to the Willamette Valley … Continue reading Iowa Woman Stops Washing Hair, Moves to Eugene, Instantly Becomes Expert on Social Justice
Brimboriodcast #432 – Friday, June 21, 2024 (20:14)
The Ultimate 4-Step Guide to Voting for Trump in 2024
According to voters on both sides of the political spectrum, the 2024 presidential election is gearing up to be the most important presidential election of our lifetime. Yours, mine—everyone’s. Yeah, it’s not true. I’ve been hearing it a lot, though. People say it every election season, with maybe a few exceptions. When you’ve got a … Continue reading The Ultimate 4-Step Guide to Voting for Trump in 2024
Brimboriodcast #431 – Wednesday, June 19, 2024 (19:14)
Brimboriodcast #430 – Monday, June 17, 2024 (27:00)
Brimboriodcast #429 – Friday, June 14, 2024 (24:12)
Camel Costumes, Taquitos & A Death in The Family
The judge went on, trying not to chuckle, “You convinced these CrescentCare people to put parts of themselves in the hole and sometimes you were in the camel costume, this document alleges.” “Your honor,” my uncle said, “I don’t see what that has to do with anything. They had nothing better to do.”
Brimboriodcast #428 – Monday, June 3, 2024 (18:15)
Brimboriodcast #427 – Friday, May 31, 2024 (17:47)
Fisting History’s Memory Hole (May 31, 2024)
Call me a maniac, a monomaniac, purveyor of fake news or just some uncredentialed internet a—hole, but from what I’ve seen lately, news of the war in occupied Gaza, down in a border town called Rafah, has been predominating the headlines even more than usual. Even the war in Ukraine and Trump nonsense have been … Continue reading Fisting History’s Memory Hole (May 31, 2024)
Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant Manhattanite who’s called Eugene and much of the Western US his home for the last 9 years has decided to phone his dad for a plane ticket to his actual home, he told Brimborion News on Monday. Samuel Kass, 33, who’s been living in a camper for the last … Continue reading Dreadlocked Man Tired of Living in Camper, Calls Father for Money Back to East Coast
Brimboriodcast #426 – Wednesday, May 22, 2024 (25:00)
Kansas City 2023
For most of my life, I didn’t think much about Kansas City. It was never the backdrop for movies or television shows. It didn’t have any natural wonders or impressive architecture. The only thing I associated Kansas City with was having the ugliest uniforms in professional sports. The Royals look like a Dodgers knockoff. The … Continue reading Kansas City 2023
Brimboriodcast # 425 – Friday, May 17, 2024 (24:18)
Brimboriodcast #424 – Wednesday, May 15, 2024 (22:29)
Because All Those Alien Abductees Are Also Former Speed Daters
She had the kind of stupid going on that made me think she got a really bad sunburn the day before. You know how that goes? Your brain just shuts down and all day you’re like, ‘Heywwooommnnggghhh.’ ...
Brimboriodcast #423 – Friday, May 03, 2024 (16:24)
Brimboriodcast #422 – Monday, Apr. 29, 2024 (21:08)
183 of the Best Countries to Not Get Shot by a Lunatic
“Hey, you hear about Prague?” I asked my brother one afternoon. I was over at his place, copping a beverage from the fridge. “The ice cream bar?” he says. “No, the city,” I said. “I think so,” he said. “Anyway, I heard of it.” “They had that shooting over there. Remember that?” “Oh, they making … Continue reading 183 of the Best Countries to Not Get Shot by a Lunatic
7 Things Not to Do When Wake Victim from Coma (Hospital Don’t Want You to know)
Many causes may find man or woman immersed in coma. Smash to head, breaking of heart (literal), organ capitulation, blood sugar syrup, stroking brain too little or much fun with narcotic can all result to damage brain, causing conscious lack of aware is foremost culprit. Not know is cure for coma can be found to … Continue reading 7 Things Not to Do When Wake Victim from Coma (Hospital Don’t Want You to know)
Brimboriodcast #421 – Friday, Apr. 26, 2024 (19:31)
Steam Whistle News Feed – April 19, 2024
Hey, what’s the world? The whole world? What’s it made of? Anyone? I don’t mean geology and volcanology and sh--. I mean socially. Societies. The collective, intertwined societies that fall under the different classes of government—democracy, theocracy, autocracy, you name it. You’re going to find significant differences in each one, but you’re also going to … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – April 19, 2024
Brimboriodcast #420 – Wednesday, Apr. 17, 2024 (21:22)
Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A Eugene woman has decided she wants to become a mother, and isn’t concerned with sweating the small stuff regarding the ins-and-outs of child rearing. Angel McCarron, 34, told Brimborion News that she would like to experience the nine months of carrying a child to term, specifically and exclusively to know … Continue reading Woman Seeks to Become Pregnant Solely for the Purpose of Experiencing What It’s Like to Be Pregnant
Brimboriodcast #419 – Friday, Apr. 12, 2024 (21:06)
Brimboriodcast #418 – Monday, Apr. 08 2024 (26:29)
TikTok & the Glorious Children’s Meat Wave Crusade
“Hey, Lorie,” I said to my niece, “you call senator what’s-his-name and beg him not to ban TikTok yet?” I was over at my brother’s place. She was on the couch. And, of course, she was scrolling through her phone. “No,” she says, looking over at me like it’s the dumbest thing she’s ever heard. … Continue reading TikTok & the Glorious Children’s Meat Wave Crusade
Everyone’s Favorite Sis!
And it took a little while, but with its unrestricted, minimum standard of acceptance, unthreatening appeal and perfect price to join, the internet—along with millions of hungry, hive-minded social media users—somehow conceived and then gestated this comparatively talentless yet hugely popular 21st century monstrosity called the Internet Celebrity...
Brimboriodcast #417 – Monday, Apr. 01, 2024 (25:14)
Steam Whistle News Feed – March 29, 2024
When I was around 12, my local parish told me I had to start “studying” to receive the right to what all tweenage Christians realize is the awesomest part of going to church: communion—which, among the Lutherans, meant you had to understand the wine before you could chug the wine. I remember one day in … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – March 29, 2024
Review—To the Sh*tbag, No-Name Roofing Company on My Roof: You Guys Suck
I live in a condo. And I rent. There are four attached units, horizontally laid out with no upstairs, and all the tenants lease from the owner. We have our own driveways, front lawns, backyards, etc. There’s a six-acre field behind the property that random homeless folks like to inhabit, use as a toilet, smoke … Continue reading Review—To the Sh*tbag, No-Name Roofing Company on My Roof: You Guys Suck
Brimboriodcast #416 – Friday, Mar. 22, 2024 (29:07)
Political Addiction and the Fabric of American Society
Trump’s won the nomination for Republican candidate in the 2024 presidential election. People just can’t let go of the addiction, apparently. I mean, with good reason. Just ask any addict. Any of them—or anyone who engages in arguably compulsive patterns of behavior, e.g., remaining in a physically abusive relationship, say—in their own mind, it’s perfectly … Continue reading Political Addiction and the Fabric of American Society
Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Sidney Moist was returning home with his friends in the West Eugene neighborhood on a Friday evening in April, only a few blocks from the “Beermuda” Triangle, when they approached a dark intersection and noticed the unlit police vehicles. As they neared, three officers were seen handcuffing an obstreperous homeless man, … Continue reading Police Hire Officers Convicted of Excessive Force in Other Metro Areas, Bullsh*t Tweaker Crime Still at All Time High
Brimboriodcast #415 – Wednesday, Mar. 06, 2024 (27:45)
Steam Whistle News Feed – March 1, 2024
Alexei Navalny—whose body had to be almost wrested from the hands of the Russian state—was mourned by thousands during an orthodox ceremony on Friday (which several churches refused to officiate), before being borne to a nearby Moscow cemetery and finally laid to rest. Though he started his career as a nationalist in Russian politics, and … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – March 1, 2024
Brimboriodcast #414 – Monday, Mar. 04, 2024 (22:54)
Brimboriodcast #413 – Friday, Feb. 23, 2024 (25:29)
Brimboriodcast #412 – Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2024 (29:21)
Roanoke, I Hardly Knew Ye
I had flown into Roanoke late, picked up my puke green KIA rental, and drove to the Super 8 Motel I booked near the airport. You know how in movies when the protagonist is lost at sea in a raft or stranded on a deserted island, and just as they are about to give up … Continue reading Roanoke, I Hardly Knew Ye
The Toxic Solution of Trumpism
I read an analysis in The Washington Post recently which recounted quite well, over the last ten years or so, out-and-out Republican efforts to obstruct the operation of the very government to which they were elected—discussing/passing legislation, approving judges—if it was deemed, in the end, to somehow benefit the Democratic Party. This, of course, included … Continue reading The Toxic Solution of Trumpism