The Brimblogrion
Brimboriodcast #413 – Friday, Feb. 23, 2024 (25:29)
Brimboriodcast #412 – Wednesday, Feb. 21, 2024 (29:21)
Roanoke, I Hardly Knew Ye
I had flown into Roanoke late, picked up my puke green KIA rental, and drove to the Super 8 Motel I booked near the airport. You know how in movies when the protagonist is lost at sea in a raft or stranded on a deserted island, and just as they are about to give up … Continue reading Roanoke, I Hardly Knew Ye
The Toxic Solution of Trumpism (February 9, 2024)
I read an analysis in The Washington Post recently which recounted quite well, over the last ten years or so, out-and-out Republican efforts to obstruct the operation of the very government to which they were elected—discussing/passing legislation, approving judges—if it was deemed, in the end, to somehow benefit the Democratic Party. This, of course, included … Continue reading The Toxic Solution of Trumpism (February 9, 2024)
Brimboriodcast #411 – Friday, Feb. 02, 2024 (21:42)
AI ♥️ You: How to Build an Awesome Relationship with ChatGPT (Chat #2)
Me: Hi, my newest best friend, it's been a while. Chat GPT: Hello again! It's great to see you. How have you been? Is there anything specific you'd like to talk about or ask today? Me: Oh, you can see me? I didn't know you were able to visually identify me. I've disabled the camera on … Continue reading AI ♥️ You: How to Build an Awesome Relationship with ChatGPT (Chat #2)
Their Headlines, My Headlines (January 26, 2024)
Can you tell by the headline that I’ve been devolving into my own atomic, hermetic, marginal bubble of outrage and self-importance? That I’m now looking at the news under a figurative lamplight for maybe ten minutes and then turning around and shouting at everyone who’ll listen (on the internet) the real meaning behind it all? … Continue reading Their Headlines, My Headlines (January 26, 2024)
Brimboriodcast #410 – Friday, Jan. 26, 2024 (21:47)
I Double Detective Deputy Dare You: Tales from the Birchwood, Vol. I
Now, maybe Ron stole this phone, who knows? It wasn’t my phone, it wasn’t anyone I know’s phone. All I know, it was a cellphone that was bright lime green. Bright lime green like a child would own. Like a child clumsy enough—or unable to defend themselves enough—to allow it to be slapped from their hand and to skitter across the street where an accomplice could pick it up and dart into the shadows...
Brimboriodcast #409 – Wednesday, Jan. 24, 2024 (31:47)
Brimboriodcast #408 – Monday, Jan. 22, 2024 (28:23)
Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Two men, high on what was alleged to be methamphetamine, occupied the bicycle lane and part of the road on 1st Avenue for approximately 15 seconds between Monroe St. and Van Buren Thursday night, to take part in what appeared to be a race to the Quick Stop Food Store. The … Continue reading Two Men, High on Meth, Have Electric Scooter Race Down the Street
Steam Whistle News Feed – January 12, 2024
Welcome to the New Year. Of the rest of your life. You know that time only moves forward, right? Like, forever? Until your dead? I see people talking about making every day count, calling out others who waste their time, doing one thing every day that scares them. All the while trying to un-memento that … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – January 12, 2024
“Sometimes You Gotta Speak Their Language”—An Open Letter To Donald Trump (Op-Ed)
Editor's Note: What follows is an opinion piece sent to us here at the BRIMBORION. Apparently, something we said or wrote about Donald Trump lit a fire under one of our many, many, many beautiful readers, and this one decided to write to us and express his dissatisfaction about the former (and possible future) president. The views expressed in this commentary belong exclusively to the nutcase who wrote them.
Brimboriodcast #407 – Monday, Jan. 08, 2024 (26:13)
Brimboriodcast #406 – Wednesday, Jan. 03, 2024 (17:41)
How Willie Nelson’s Willy Hasn’t (Miraculously) Ruined His Career
“I saw Willie Nelson had a thing the other day. You see it?” I was over at my brother’s place. He was sitting in a recliner in the living room. I was in the kitchen, mooching a beverage. “What, the party?” he said back. “No, the concert.” “It was the same thing,” my niece said, … Continue reading How Willie Nelson’s Willy Hasn’t (Miraculously) Ruined His Career
Steak vs. Sizzle: A Study in the Efficaciousness of Performance Persuasion
"You don't sell the steak, you still the sizzle." Of all the wise life lessons ever imparted to me, conveyed in the utterance of a single sentence, this particular phrase has been without a doubt the most everlasting....
To What End?
Hi, how’s it going? Great, great to hear. Here—here’s a stack of reported, factual information. Just plopped it down on your desk. Go through it, please. Take your time, but be sure to go through all of it. Okay, fast forward ten, fifteen minutes. Need an hour? Sure. Take your time. Did you get through … Continue reading To What End?
Brimboriodcast #405 – Friday, Dec. 22, 2023 (23:51)
Brimboriodcast #404 – Wednesday, Dec. 20, 2023 (22:42)
‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The section of alley spanning Adams and Jackson Streets just north of W. 3rd Ave, colloquially known to residents as “Rape Alley”, is being deemed Eugene's first Possible Unsafe Zone, officials said Wednesday. Signs similar to those designating familiar Safe Zones around the city will be placed at either end of … Continue reading ‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone
Brimboriodcast #403 – Monday, Dec. 18, 2023 (25:01)
The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to the A**holes of Holiday Travel
My holiday travel advice can be summed up in 3 words: Don’t do it! Okay, fine. Be that way, you stubborn little shit. Congratulations on having a family you love enough to travel at the absolute worst time of year, but a family that doesn’t love you enough to understand why you’d rather visit in … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to the A**holes of Holiday Travel
Brimboriodcast #402 – Monday, Dec. 11, 2023 (21:23)
Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The mood and energy did not significantly shift among four male teens upon the arrival of a fifth who brought with him his alleged new girlfriend, witnesses told Brimborion News on Thursday. The teens, who had been scrolling through their phones, drinking energy drinks and talking about video games outside Taco … Continue reading Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl
You Can Choose Your Friends, But You Can’t Choose Your Lifeboat
Rep. Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his role as Speaker of the House of Representatives on October 2nd, 2023, through the filing of a motion to vacate by the one person everyone knew was going to file the motion because he was the strongest arm in implementing a new rule saying the Speaker could be … Continue reading You Can Choose Your Friends, But You Can’t Choose Your Lifeboat
Brimboriodcast #401 – Wednesday, Dec. 06, 2023 (23:12)
Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant woman who’s been calling Eugene home for three weeks now is on the lookout for a responsible man she can one day call her life partner. Sesquihana Darby, 26, told Brimborion News she’s ready to settle down, though not ready to stop traveling the country, calling a renovated school … Continue reading Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
Brimboriodcast #400 – Friday, Dec. 01, 2023 (27:29)
Brimboriodcast #399 – Monday, Nov. 27, 2023 (21:31)
Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A woman was spotted walking out of Nordstrom Rack after purchasing a pink halter top, sources told Brimborion News on Thursday. Dareena Kahl, 24, entered by the southern entrance of the building, but decided to exit through the east doors, in view of the Old Navy next door. That was where … Continue reading Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
Nobody Knows History, Nobody Understands Context
At my first ever summer church camp (I was 11 and a practicing Lutheran), I and the token skater/heavy metal kid of the lot—who used a ballpoint pen to tattoo the letters O-Z-Z-Y on his knuckles once a day—were tasked with being in charge of setting up viewing of the afternoon’s film, a sort of … Continue reading Nobody Knows History, Nobody Understands Context
Brimboriodcast #398 – Monday, Nov. 13, 2023 (29:05)
Tulsa: Big City of Dreams
Other than while reading The Outsiders, I did not fuck with Tulsa at all. The first time I went there was for a NACA convention when I toured colleges as part of a spoken word group. NACA is a meat market where artists get to audition for the business of colleges from all over the country. You perform, and then Donny and Becky from the Meadow Shit College Student Activities Board decide whether or not you’ve earned the privilege to be invited to their school, which will require 2 flights, a rental car, and a horse drawn carriage to reach...
You Must Be At Least This High to Be This High
I made it to Cambodia. I was pretty sure I was never even going to see the runway, it seemed so ridiculous when I first went online to check ticket prices, but then another fight with my girlfriend, similar to the one that had me pressing the ‘purchase’ button in the first place, got me … Continue reading You Must Be At Least This High to Be This High
Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A university student was shocked Sunday to gaze out his kitchen window and find a loveseat, rattan papasan chair, coffee table and other assorted furniture being used by the squatters residing behind his apartment complex. “It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” Matthew Gofeld, 23, told Brimborion News. He said there’s been … Continue reading Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does
Steam Whistle News Feed – October 20, 2023
Hey, Neighbor! How’s it going? Heading out for a weekend trip? Can you believe these gas prices still? Thanks a lot, Sleepy Joe, am I right? Like I always say, if a Republican were president, you know gas would be, like, five dollars a gallon cheaper. Well, because Republicans always lower gas prices. It’s, like, … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – October 20, 2023
Brimboriodcast #397 – Friday, Oct. 27, 2023 (24:30)
Brimboriodcast #396 – Wednesday, Oct. 25, 2023 (30:10)
Brimboriodcast #395 – Wednesday, Oct. 18, 2023 (29:07)
Steam Whistle News Feed – October 13, 2023
Say you’re just starting out. Doesn’t matter what you’re doing. Anything. Constructing a human being, say. Better yet—a robot, one with a complete and totally spot-on human anatomy. And you know nothing about anatomy, yourself, say. You're like one of those tribal priests of the indigenous Kogis in modern-day Colombia, who grew up in a … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – October 13, 2023
Brimboriodcast #394 – Friday, Oct. 13, 2023 (31:18)
Brimboriodcast #393 – Wednesday, Oct. 11, 2023 (24:52)
Brimboriodcast #392 – Friday, Oct. 06, 2023 (23:34)
Trust Fund Kid, Now Adult, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Bay Area man has returned to the Whiteaker neighborhood apartment he’s been renting since 1996 for the first time in 25 years, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. “Man, I haven’t been back in forever,” Azrael Skreed, 47, said from his moldy-smelling living room sofa. “I dropped out of ASU … Continue reading Trust Fund Kid, Now Adult, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years
Brimboriodcast #391 – Friday, Sept. 29, 2023 (24:53)
Brimboriodcast #390 – Monday, Sept. 25, 2023 (34:42)
Brimboriodcast #389 – Wednesday, Sept. 20, 2023 (26:18)
Welcome to The Way of The World (September 22, 2023)
There’s a throwaway scene in the 2019 Romanian documentary Collective, where the country's new Minister of Health is watching a news show on television, and, at a podium, the mayor of Bucharest is denouncing the decision made by the administration to send patients to Vienna for transplant surgeries, and not maintain the patients in Romania … Continue reading Welcome to The Way of The World (September 22, 2023)
Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from … Continue reading Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
The Psychophysical Limitations of a Judeo-Christian Hell
Would you be paddled and taunted by the Founding Fathers dressed up as the Village People? Would you be paddled and taunted by The Village People dressed up as the Founding Fathers? Would you be forced to watch the Bader-Meinhoff doing the Riverdance? Sitting between Ben Franklin, dressed like the hot cop from the Village People, and King George III in a bondage suit, spiked collar and dental dam? Any number of scenarios are likely...
5 Ways to Man Living with Variance Potential for Erectile Power (She Melt When Read This)
According to many culture, erectile power define place for man in society. Also, woman favor man with erection, because firm erection of sexual organ is necessary for propagating child, healthy and blissful. Otherwise, to enter womb, flaccid organ is attempt to hide flat weather balloon in culvert, or stash corpse of snake into bottle to … Continue reading 5 Ways to Man Living with Variance Potential for Erectile Power (She Melt When Read This)
It’s a Public Building, You Can Go Anywhere You Like
'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof. Just please don't walk upstairs. I need to eat tonight. Of all the nights...it's been so hot today! Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you! It's at me! Mr. Clean Clothes...it's so hot, I see ants...in the sky! He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart! Please...don't go up there!'
Brimboriodcast #388 – Friday, Sept. 01, 2023 (34:36)
41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a 1984 Chevy G20 conversion van his home believes he’s the perfect marital catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday. David Feldspar, 41, said he’s been living in his van for 13 years, parking it continuously at various locations in and around Lane County, and that … Continue reading 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
Brimboriodcast #387 – Wednesday, Aug. 30, 2023 (39:23)
Brimboriodcast #386 – Wednesday, Aug. 23, 2023 (32:26)
Lollapalooza Festival Guide
Every August, a plague descends upon the city of Chicago. A plague so wretched, so sickening, so disease-ridden that parts of downtown have to close entirely. Police call in reinforcements and parents pray for the safe return of their children. I am speaking, of course, of Lollapalooza...