EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from … Continue reading Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
Would you be paddled and taunted by the Founding Fathers dressed up as the Village People? Would you be paddled and taunted by The Village People dressed up as the Founding Fathers? Would you be forced to watch the Bader-Meinhoff doing the Riverdance? Sitting between Ben Franklin, dressed like the hot cop from the Village People, and King George III in a bondage suit, spiked collar and dental dam? Any number of scenarios are likely...
According to many culture, erectile power define place for man in society. Also, woman favor man with erection, because firm erection of sexual organ is necessary for propagating child, healthy and blissful. Otherwise, to enter womb, flaccid organ is attempt to hide flat weather balloon in culvert, or stash corpse of snake into bottle to … Continue reading 5 Ways to Man Living with Variance Potential for Erectile Power (She Melt When Read This)
'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof. Just please don't walk upstairs. I need to eat tonight. Of all the nights...it's been so hot today! Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you! It's at me! Mr. Clean Clothes...it's so hot, I see ants...in the sky! He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart! Please...don't go up there!'
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a 1984 Chevy G20 conversion van his home believes he’s the perfect marital catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday. David Feldspar, 41, said he’s been living in his van for 13 years, parking it continuously at various locations in and around Lane County, and that … Continue reading 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
Every August, a plague descends upon the city of Chicago. A plague so wretched, so sickening, so disease-ridden that parts of downtown have to close entirely. Police call in reinforcements and parents pray for the safe return of their children. I am speaking, of course, of Lollapalooza...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Despite having only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the longest for a span of nine months, a Eugene woman is touting her expertise on the machinations and mental processes of the entirety of the male gender, Brimborion News is reporting. Brought up to believe strongly in feminist values by her … Continue reading Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think
Urinating is process of life-sustaining, expulsion of waste maintains health and disease-free in current body of condition. But as mechanical process can be performed, factors persist to flummox man while undergoing ritual, causing much problem for current and future health. No vastness of concentration can deter flummox, discussion for prior and post-urination we will cover … Continue reading 5 Lessons for Protection of Man While Urinating (Its Genius)
But after I got inside and put my stuff down, it finally struck me—like a coked-out getaway driver into a crosswalk full of guys dressed like Santa Claus—why Rory had so many girls still “riding his jock,” to quote a phrase he loved to use...
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A juvenile goat’s indiscretion led to a woman being unable to go into work this past week, Brimborion News is reporting. Lana Murphy, 25, woke up to find her overalls, which had been left outside all night on a patio chair, covered in vomit. All signs pointed to her pet goat, … Continue reading Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – In 1973, Oregon became the nation’s first state to deem possession of a “lid” of marijuana (i.e. “four fingers,” or about an ounce) a mere violation, and no longer a felony. And though the state passed a measure to fully decriminalize the devil’s lettuce as far back as 1996, and was … Continue reading Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions
In this series of dialogues with the popular generative AI chatbot known as ChatGPT, I'm going to reveal the steps it takes to build a strong, lasting and intimate partnership with the application, and then discuss all the awesome ways you can reap the benefits from that partnership in the future. The application won't benefit … Continue reading AI ♥️ You: How to Build an Awesome Relationship with ChatGPT
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A local cocaine dealer was informed by his competitors Wednesday not to use landscaping as a front for his business, for fear it may bring more heat down on the illegal drug trade, sources told Brimborion News. Nick, who refused to give his actual name for fear of being harassed by … Continue reading Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too
I know the traveler I want to be. I want to be the guy in a sensible sport coat, carrying a briefcase that can fit easily under the chair or in the overhead compartment, yet is still capable of containing a laptop, a tablet, a bottle of whiskey, a vase, and a full-length mirror. All … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Making Travel Less Horrible and Embarrassing
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A young woman with no interest in taking part in the pornographic film industry decided she had no other options but to move to Eugene, Oregon, Brimborion News discovered recently in an interview with the Southern California native. Cari Weigera, 23, who arrived in town three months ago from Van Nuys, … Continue reading Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Midwestern man on a stroll through parts of Eugene alone Saturday wound up being stopped by 11 strangers, he told Brimborion News in an interview. “They were all very friendly,” said Herman Cort, 51, of Bemidji, Minnesota. “We’re in town taking a tour of the university for my son, he’s … Continue reading Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Realize It
“Hey, what do you know about this ChatGPT stuff?” my brother says to me from the living room when I’m over there recently. “What do you want to know?” I say. “No no—I’m asking you. What do you know?” he says. “No, I know, but what do you want to know?” I say. “I wanna … Continue reading 9 Amazing Things You Need to Know about ChatGPT
“All right, so what’s the spread?” “You mean the puckline?” he says. “No, I mean the spread. As in, ‘spread your cheeks and sit right down on top of this ceramic fruit topiary centerpiece, that I’m gonna hold steady for you. And give it a fundlebuster.’” My niece spit most of her beverage out onto the floor...
“Hey, did you hear about the royals?” my sister-in-law asks me when I’m over. “And the scandal with Prince Harry? It was pretty scary what happened.” “What, Kansas City?” I said. “No, Harry and Meghan. The royals.” “I seen that show, I think. What about it?” “It’s not a show, they’re people.” “Well, what are … Continue reading 7 Scary Scandals of Prince Harry & the Royal Family
"I mean, what good can you possibly say of this? ‘It’s going to empower women to…’—nope. ‘It’s going to inspire young girls to…’—nope. ‘It’s going to motivate seventy-year-old women to…’—nope. ‘Men are going to buy it because…’—nope. ‘Seventy-year-old men are going buy it because…’—maybe. But that's all you got."
I have never seen a Harry Potter film, but I assume they look like they were filmed in Lübeck. It’s got medieval brick buildings, narrow streets, corridors leading to unknown destinations, etc. It’s a LARPer’s wet dream...
I myself learned to drive stick in Portland on a 1990 Plymouth Laser, aqua green with pink detailing and sparkles, spray-painted gold wheels, no muffler and a semi-malfunctioning fuel injection system. Paid $575 for it in 2006, which, if adjusted for inflation today, would probably come out to around $300...
Did you know that, today, if you punch the words ‘would I get pregnant if’ into an internet search engine, the most common response that comes back is: ‘I fucked a dog'? I kid you not...
I met his gaze. And, for a moment, our souls passed from one to the other, and the currency that was exchanged in the process was the stream of urine that ran slowly down his inner thigh...
Honestly, it is baffling sometimes to see the abandon with which so many humans cross roads and jockey street gutters in and around Eugene, Oregon, where I live...
Life is hard. The amount of bullshit most folks deal with on the daily is ridiculous. You’ve got shitty co-workers, a boss who thinks sick days are a privilege, your back hurts, and all you want to do is get the fuck out of Dodge. Most folks are stuck with a measly 2 weeks of … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Thrill-Seeking Adventure
"This is gonna be beautiful, my boy. We can’t lose. This Dinkins kid sounds like a real egocentric jackwad. Perfect for the operation. Another little Shah of Iran down here in the bayou. And with this kid Graft, sounds like we got a bit of Armas thrown in for good measure. And Fimbler, the other … Continue reading How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2
I read an article yesterday in Deadline by Carl Kurlander, the co-writer of the 1985 Joel Schumacher film St. Elmo’s Fire, in which Kurlander reflects on his time before, during and after the film's writing and production, and the affects it maybe had, good and bad, upon the culture of young, urban, professional America. And I got super nostalgic. I was 9 when it came out. The movie was a social phenomenon to my age group. At least in my little part of the world...
Awake early on a Monday, before her eyes could even adjust to the vague light of day, she would reach for her phone and check her Facebook. It had her weather forecast for the day, and it was normally the first thing she absorbed of her surroundings, not long after the anxiety of returning to … Continue reading Just A Facebook Girl in a Facebook World
People react to things. It’s a crucial part of how our central nervous systems function as living organisms. Burns, freezes, pain, possible further pain, possible death—humans are going to yank away their body parts or duck underneath something if suspect any harm will come to them, and possibly live longer as a result...
Fallacy of the hive mind – 1.) Inferring that someone who makes a comment which aligns with a consensus political opinion or movement on social media possesses the same deep, ingrained, singular, core principles or characteristics as that group or movement. 2.) Erroneously clumping people into a spuriously-named, demographically or sociologically unofficial group because they agree with, voice their opinion regarding or argue in favor of a consensus opinion which is temporarily influential, on social media or elsewhere.
Take a person. Make it you. Take you. Now, imagine you’ve made enough money to never work again in your life. A billion dollars, say. But say you don’t. That is, don’t never work again in your life. Because this is real life; because, practically, if you stop working, you won’t have your billion dollars … Continue reading Into the Mind of a Billionaire
Of course, this was 1987. Everything was radical. Fourth grade. Girls. 9-year-old girls with mullet haircuts. Needle exchange programs. Overthrowing legally elected, Third World presidents. Overthrowing legally elected, fourth grade, 9-year-old girl presidents with mullet haircuts who start needle exchange programs...