“I saw Willie Nelson had a thing the other day. You see it?” I was over at my brother’s place. He was sitting in a recliner in the living room. I was in the kitchen, mooching a beverage. “What, the party?” he said back. “No, the concert.” “It was the same thing,” my niece said, … Continue reading How Willie Nelson’s Willy Hasn’t (Miraculously) Ruined His Career
"You don't sell the steak, you still the sizzle." Of all the wise life lessons ever imparted to me, conveyed in the utterance of a single sentence, this particular phrase has been without a doubt the most everlasting....
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The section of alley spanning Adams and Jackson Streets just north of W. 3rd Ave, colloquially known to residents as “Rape Alley”, is being deemed Eugene's first Possible Unsafe Zone, officials said Wednesday. Signs similar to those designating familiar Safe Zones around the city will be placed at either end of … Continue reading ‘Rape Alley’ to Be Designated City’s First Possible Unsafe Zone
My holiday travel advice can be summed up in 3 words: Don’t do it! Okay, fine. Be that way, you stubborn little shit. Congratulations on having a family you love enough to travel at the absolute worst time of year, but a family that doesn’t love you enough to understand why you’d rather visit in … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to the A**holes of Holiday Travel
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — The mood and energy did not significantly shift among four male teens upon the arrival of a fifth who brought with him his alleged new girlfriend, witnesses told Brimborion News on Thursday. The teens, who had been scrolling through their phones, drinking energy drinks and talking about video games outside Taco … Continue reading Mild-Mannered Teen Boys Remain Strikingly Mild-Mannered after Arrival of Girl
Rep. Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his role as Speaker of the House of Representatives on October 2nd, 2023, through the filing of a motion to vacate by the one person everyone knew was going to file the motion because he was the strongest arm in implementing a new rule saying the Speaker could be … Continue reading You Can Choose Your Friends, But You Can’t Choose Your Lifeboat
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — An itinerant woman who’s been calling Eugene home for three weeks now is on the lookout for a responsible man she can one day call her life partner. Sesquihana Darby, 26, told Brimborion News she’s ready to settle down, though not ready to stop traveling the country, calling a renovated school … Continue reading Nomadic Girl with Three Dudes around Her at All Times Just Wants a Reliable Man
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A woman was spotted walking out of Nordstrom Rack after purchasing a pink halter top, sources told Brimborion News on Thursday. Dareena Kahl, 24, entered by the southern entrance of the building, but decided to exit through the east doors, in view of the Old Navy next door. That was where … Continue reading Gutter Punk Ostracized for Buying Halter Top at Nordstrom Rack
Other than while reading The Outsiders, I did not fuck with Tulsa at all. The first time I went there was for a NACA convention when I toured colleges as part of a spoken word group. NACA is a meat market where artists get to audition for the business of colleges from all over the country. You perform, and then Donny and Becky from the Meadow Shit College Student Activities Board decide whether or not you’ve earned the privilege to be invited to their school, which will require 2 flights, a rental car, and a horse drawn carriage to reach...
I made it to Cambodia. I was pretty sure I was never even going to see the runway, it seemed so ridiculous when I first went online to check ticket prices, but then another fight with my girlfriend, similar to the one that had me pressing the ‘purchase’ button in the first place, got me … Continue reading You Must Be At Least This High to Be This High
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A university student was shocked Sunday to gaze out his kitchen window and find a loveseat, rattan papasan chair, coffee table and other assorted furniture being used by the squatters residing behind his apartment complex. “It’s definitely nicer sh– than mine,” Matthew Gofeld, 23, told Brimborion News. He said there’s been … Continue reading Student Looks Out Window, Notices Homeless behind His Fence Have Nicer Furniture Than He Does
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Bay Area man has returned to the Whiteaker neighborhood apartment he’s been renting since 1996 for the first time in 25 years, sources told Brimborion News on Tuesday. “Man, I haven’t been back in forever,” Azrael Skreed, 47, said from his moldy-smelling living room sofa. “I dropped out of ASU … Continue reading Trust Fund Kid, Now Adult, Returns to the Apartment He’s Still Renting in Eugene after 24 years
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A married couple were horrified to find themselves within earshot of the microwave that was used to heat up their deli lunch, sources told Brimborion News Monday. Lance and Trudy Pierce, both of Eugene, said they could hear sizzling and crackling, and even a popping sound at one point coming from … Continue reading Couple Forced to Witness Murder of Food’s Vital Energy via Microwave
Would you be paddled and taunted by the Founding Fathers dressed up as the Village People? Would you be paddled and taunted by The Village People dressed up as the Founding Fathers? Would you be forced to watch the Bader-Meinhoff doing the Riverdance? Sitting between Ben Franklin, dressed like the hot cop from the Village People, and King George III in a bondage suit, spiked collar and dental dam? Any number of scenarios are likely...
According to many culture, erectile power define place for man in society. Also, woman favor man with erection, because firm erection of sexual organ is necessary for propagating child, healthy and blissful. Otherwise, to enter womb, flaccid organ is attempt to hide flat weather balloon in culvert, or stash corpse of snake into bottle to … Continue reading 5 Ways to Man Living with Variance Potential for Erectile Power (She Melt When Read This)
'There's a man with binoculars on the other roof. Just please don't walk upstairs. I need to eat tonight. Of all the nights...it's been so hot today! Man With Washed Clothes, the rifle's not pointed at you! It's at me! Mr. Clean Clothes...it's so hot, I see ants...in the sky! He's got a chart, he's shown me the chart! Please...don't go up there!'
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Eugene man who calls a 1984 Chevy G20 conversion van his home believes he’s the perfect marital catch, he told Brimborion News on Sunday. David Feldspar, 41, said he’s been living in his van for 13 years, parking it continuously at various locations in and around Lane County, and that … Continue reading 41-Year-Old Living in His Van Is Pretty Sure He’s Marrying Material
Every August, a plague descends upon the city of Chicago. A plague so wretched, so sickening, so disease-ridden that parts of downtown have to close entirely. Police call in reinforcements and parents pray for the safe return of their children. I am speaking, of course, of Lollapalooza...
In case you were looking for a microcosm of the history of half the entire world dating back, say, the last few hundred years, there’s one example playing out right now in the news over in Africa, in the Republic of Niger. And by the way, it’s pronounced Nee-ZHAYR, not the other way you were … Continue reading The Niger Coup: A Hollywood Film Treatment
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — Despite having only had two boyfriends in her lifetime, the longest for a span of nine months, a Eugene woman is touting her expertise on the machinations and mental processes of the entirety of the male gender, Brimborion News is reporting. Brought up to believe strongly in feminist values by her … Continue reading Feminist Raised as Only Child by Single Mother Says She Knows Exactly How Men Think
Urinating is process of life-sustaining, expulsion of waste maintains health and disease-free in current body of condition. But as mechanical process can be performed, factors persist to flummox man while undergoing ritual, causing much problem for current and future health. No vastness of concentration can deter flummox, discussion for prior and post-urination we will cover … Continue reading 5 Lessons for Protection of Man While Urinating (Its Genius)
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A juvenile goat’s indiscretion led to a woman being unable to go into work this past week, Brimborion News is reporting. Lana Murphy, 25, woke up to find her overalls, which had been left outside all night on a patio chair, covered in vomit. All signs pointed to her pet goat, … Continue reading Goat Vomit Prevents Woman without Washing Machine from Being Able to Wear Only Pair of Overalls
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – In 1973, Oregon became the nation’s first state to deem possession of a “lid” of marijuana (i.e. “four fingers,” or about an ounce) a mere violation, and no longer a felony. And though the state passed a measure to fully decriminalize the devil’s lettuce as far back as 1996, and was … Continue reading Illegal Pot Dealers Look to Form Union, Face Opposition from Police, Actual Unions
In this series of dialogues with the popular generative AI chatbot known as ChatGPT, I'm going to reveal the steps it takes to build a strong, lasting and intimate partnership with the application, and then discuss all the awesome ways you can reap the benefits from that partnership in the future. The application won't benefit … Continue reading AI ♥️ You: How to Build an Awesome Relationship with ChatGPT
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A local cocaine dealer was informed by his competitors Wednesday not to use landscaping as a front for his business, for fear it may bring more heat down on the illegal drug trade, sources told Brimborion News. Nick, who refused to give his actual name for fear of being harassed by … Continue reading Fledgling Coke Dealer Told by Older Coke Dealers Not to Start Own Landscaping Business, Too
“I don't know," my sister-in-law says. "Doesn't the whole thing seem a little too…I don't know. Weird?” “I mean, you’re eating eggs anyway. What are eggs but cells, right? Only this time, it’s like the egg grew up inside a machine into some kind of shapeless, godless, unverifiably lifeless blob without eyes or legs or a brain or anything like that.” “Like that one guy, who was president?” my brother says.
I know the traveler I want to be. I want to be the guy in a sensible sport coat, carrying a briefcase that can fit easily under the chair or in the overhead compartment, yet is still capable of containing a laptop, a tablet, a bottle of whiskey, a vase, and a full-length mirror. All … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Making Travel Less Horrible and Embarrassing
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) – A young woman with no interest in taking part in the pornographic film industry decided she had no other options but to move to Eugene, Oregon, Brimborion News discovered recently in an interview with the Southern California native. Cari Weigera, 23, who arrived in town three months ago from Van Nuys, … Continue reading Girl with Face Tattoo Who Won’t Make Porn Decides to Move to Eugene
EUGENE, Ore. (BN) — A Midwestern man on a stroll through parts of Eugene alone Saturday wound up being stopped by 11 strangers, he told Brimborion News in an interview. “They were all very friendly,” said Herman Cort, 51, of Bemidji, Minnesota. “We’re in town taking a tour of the university for my son, he’s … Continue reading Man Visits Eugene, Has Conversations with 11 Panhandlers, Doesn’t Realize It
Gonads are important for reproduction and developing in mature person, but gonads trouble is often possible to occur. In this article we talk about simple step to take to mitigate gonad trouble. First of all, talk of science with factual information. What Are the Gonads? In male, gonads are created by cause of testosterone, stimulated … Continue reading 8 Simple Step to Deal with Gonads Trouble (Doctor Might Hate This)
I have never seen a Harry Potter film, but I assume they look like they were filmed in Lübeck. It’s got medieval brick buildings, narrow streets, corridors leading to unknown destinations, etc. It’s a LARPer’s wet dream...
I myself learned to drive stick in Portland on a 1990 Plymouth Laser, aqua green with pink detailing and sparkles, spray-painted gold wheels, no muffler and a semi-malfunctioning fuel injection system. Paid $575 for it in 2006, which, if adjusted for inflation today, would probably come out to around $300...
Did you know that, today, if you punch the words ‘would I get pregnant if’ into an internet search engine, the most common response that comes back is: ‘I fucked a dog'? I kid you not...
I met his gaze. And, for a moment, our souls passed from one to the other, and the currency that was exchanged in the process was the stream of urine that ran slowly down his inner thigh...
Life is hard. The amount of bullshit most folks deal with on the daily is ridiculous. You’ve got shitty co-workers, a boss who thinks sick days are a privilege, your back hurts, and all you want to do is get the fuck out of Dodge. Most folks are stuck with a measly 2 weeks of … Continue reading The Twitchy Traveler’s Guide to Thrill-Seeking Adventure
There’s likely not a worse misstep in publicly shooting-your-mouth-off-when-no-one-asked these days than equating some collective or governing body with the likes of Nazi Germany; the backlash is almost always widespread and forthcoming, regardless of the issue you’re shooting at. I mean, unless the people you’re accusing are actually f---ing Nazis, or something in arguably the … Continue reading The Little-Government, Big Governing Bodies That Could (March 17, 2023)
I was called into the office of my editor the other day, and she told me—my editor—that she had been called into the office of her editor, after he had been called into the office of his, after this gentleman (whoever he is) had been called into a meeting with his superior, the CCO, after … Continue reading Steam Whistle News Feed – March 10, 2023
"This is gonna be beautiful, my boy. We can’t lose. This Dinkins kid sounds like a real egocentric jackwad. Perfect for the operation. Another little Shah of Iran down here in the bayou. And with this kid Graft, sounds like we got a bit of Armas thrown in for good measure. And Fimbler, the other … Continue reading How to Create a Dictatorship: A Guide to Overthrowing Your Democratically-Elected, Grade School Adversaries, Part 2
I read an article yesterday in Deadline by Carl Kurlander, the co-writer of the 1985 Joel Schumacher film St. Elmo’s Fire, in which Kurlander reflects on his time before, during and after the film's writing and production, and the affects it maybe had, good and bad, upon the culture of young, urban, professional America. And I got super nostalgic. I was 9 when it came out. The movie was a social phenomenon to my age group. At least in my little part of the world...
Awake early on a Monday, before her eyes could even adjust to the vague light of day, she would reach for her phone and check her Facebook. It had her weather forecast for the day, and it was normally the first thing she absorbed of her surroundings, not long after the anxiety of returning to … Continue reading Just A Facebook Girl in a Facebook World
People react to things. It’s a crucial part of how our central nervous systems function as living organisms. Burns, freezes, pain, possible further pain, possible death—humans are going to yank away their body parts or duck underneath something if suspect any harm will come to them, and possibly live longer as a result...
Two months before the coronavirus pandemic blew up in the U.S., I got transferred to the graveyard shift at my job. Which meant that, for starters, unlike the coronavirus itself, the curve for my dating life was seriously about to flatten. My casual sex life, however, like the number of idiots watching FOX News who didn’t believe COVID-19 was a real thing, was about to go through the roof...
Fallacy of the hive mind – 1.) Inferring that someone who makes a comment which aligns with a consensus political opinion or movement on social media possesses the same deep, ingrained, singular, core principles or characteristics as that group or movement. 2.) Erroneously clumping people into a spuriously-named, demographically or sociologically unofficial group because they agree with, voice their opinion regarding or argue in favor of a consensus opinion which is temporarily influential, on social media or elsewhere.
Take a person. Make it you. Take you. Now, imagine you’ve made enough money to never work again in your life. A billion dollars, say. But say you don’t. That is, don’t never work again in your life. Because this is real life; because, practically, if you stop working, you won’t have your billion dollars … Continue reading Into the Mind of a Billionaire
Of course, this was 1987. Everything was radical. Fourth grade. Girls. 9-year-old girls with mullet haircuts. Needle exchange programs. Overthrowing legally elected, Third World presidents. Overthrowing legally elected, fourth grade, 9-year-old girl presidents with mullet haircuts who start needle exchange programs...
What would happen to a vastly intertwined global economy, hypothetically speaking, if some imaginary figure sitting in the driver’s seat (a novel disease, in this case) suddenly, with the hall pass of a natural disaster or other act of God, began to gently and without wavering apply a braking force to it? ...